Eye Opening

So, I was at work yesterday and went on the St. Joseph County Human Services Commission website just to see what was new and went into the events section.  It showed the Legislative forum from April 2011 and the photo has the backside of the audience and the front of the legislative members in attendance.  I remember being there and have to say when I first looked at the photo I could not figure who the large white haired person was at the front.  I could not even tell if it was a lady or a guy and then as I enlarged the photo I realized the damn personw as me!  OMG!  I did not realize how very white/gray my hair was and how large I look from the back (okay I probably look that large from the front too).  So you would think that would motivate me into going to workout right after work - right?  Wrong!   I went home and began to eat while I sat in my chair - a lazyboy no less.

I can honestly say I look in the mirror and do not see the same thing the camera sees but cameras don't lie.  I really need to evaluate my life and make a decision and get off this roller coaster ride.  I yoyo all the time - heavy, slim, heavy, slim, heavy, slim.  I do admit whenever I have been slim it has been because I cut way back on calories and exercise regularly.  I also have followed a carbless type of diet.  I am struggling now because I do not want to eat that way - I don't want meat, cheese, fats as my main source of calories.  I want healthy fats, lean protein only (mostly fish/seafood) and lots of veggies and a good balance of fruit. 

I did use the chocolate shakeology Cat gave me and I blended it with frozen strawberries, a banana and almond milk.  It was delicious and may motivate me to order some shakeology and begin to use it daily as a meal replacement.  I also know that exercise always motivates me to eat better and I like to do a variety of workouts - yoga, zumba, machines, weights, CV equipment, walking, etc. 

I will begin to take one day at a time, accomplish small goals, and see if I can get on track with the 1-2 pounds a week with exercise of some kind every day.  Sounds simple.  I should print out that photo of the fat white haired old lady sitting at that meeting for my motivation.  I can't believe I am saying this but I never felt more like my mother than I did looking at that picture for the first time.  Shit!

Doctors, Doctors Everywhere

For some reason all my doctors appointments seem to fall in a small block of time.  Yesterday I had an appointment with my primary care doctor who is very aggressive with preventive health and keeping me as healthy as possible.  So, in the most polite way she informed me my blood pressure was up and also my weight and she sees that pattern so she would like to do some full blood work involving a cardio risk panel, and for me to taken advantage of the "life style" coach that will be available at no cost (or whatever my insurance will pay) and begin making some more long term life changes.  She wants 1 to 2 pounds weight loss a week and wants to see me in two weeks or so to recheck my blood pressure and weight, and review the blood test results for further explanation.  So, now I am sitting here thinking it is no longer about what I want to weigh or how I want to look but what I need to do right now and every day to get as healthy as I can.  I appreciate that she is not wanting to just let it go and see what I can do with it.  I also know the extra weight is a huge risk factor for cancer reoccurrence. 

Next week I have out patient surgery to tweak my reconstruction and again I am hoping my recovery will be quick as I am not planning on being out of work for a week - just several days.  I have my soft token in my laptop at work and can do all my work now from home on the wifi.  I will try it out over the weekend to make sure it works, but that means I can not only check my e-mail from the office which I have been able to do but actually get into all the programs as I will have access to the state programs just like the mobile workforce staff.  I have all programs on my computer and can monitor child welfare, adult services and the AP staff and their stats, data reports, etc. access the DHS-Net which is the intranet program.  So, even if I am not feeling up to par or can only work at the office part of a day after surgery, I can work from home and do all my necessary tasks.  I love the technology, and if I can have this type of work environment, I might work until I am 70.  :)  Just joking,

Well, as I continue on about my doctors appointments, on August 16th I have my annual checkup with Dr. Wolfe and this is important because I take tamoxifen I have an increased chance of cervical cancer so annual paps will monitor that.  Also, I have an appointment on August 31st with Dr. Zon which will be my first 6 month appointment.  

It will definitely be a busy month and I will look forward to Labor Day weekend not only for a three day break from work but the first ND game and the beginning of Fall.  Life is good!

Five Months

Since it is July 28th and my surgery was February 28th five months have now passed.  Um, I am still working on patience and have decided maybe February 28th, 2013 I will be able to say what a good decision this was but right now - I have good days and bad days.  I do think after surgery on August 9th I will be more happy having some reduction so there is a little more balance.  I should also be able to purchase more new bras in a small size to fit both girls.   The doctor said the only real discomfort will come from my groin where he takes a skin graft to reconstruct the nipple - ouch!   I am afraid to even google this so I will not.  I am such a glutten for punishment sometimes.    I spent two days in Lansing at a conference and I can say by the end of day two of sitting all day - my abs were so tight and hurting I just wanted to lay down on the floor and stretch.  That was the very first thing I did when I got home!

I have been exercising more lately and I am actually thinking about doing Zumba this morning in Niles or going to Yoga at the COA.  Decisions, decisions.   I am looking forward to the change of seasons, cooler weather (I have never ran the A/C in the bedroom so much) and sleeping snuggled up instead of exposed.   I am looking forward to next year coming off tamoxifen and going onto the next inhibitor with hopes my evening hot flashes go away again. 

Oh, I did go get my blood work done this week at Lakeland Medical Park - it was not as long as the last time  went.  This is also where my outpatient surgery will be - nice new facility and happy it is not at the hospital which is just a little more serious care.

Off to enjoy the day.

The Next Step

The week got away from me and then we went to Chicago for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary.  Back to the routine today and headed to work in Cass.  I did go to the doctor on Wednesday and he continues to tell me everything looks good and that my abs feeling tight is normal.  I truly do not believe he is listening because he keeps referring to a little lypo would help if I want - that is not what I am talking about.  But at this point I am ready to take the next step, get the "tweaking" done and that really have most of this behind me.  On Thursday, August 9th I will have a short outpatient surgery to do a reduction and try to even both sides up and he said recovery is about a week.  If I have surgery on Thursday and then take the weekend to recoup I think I can get back to work on Monday or Tuesday and then just stay close to my desk.  I do not plan to take another week off from work unless something comes up.  I will continue to work out, do yoga, and try to reduce my food and actually lose about 20 pounds which would help a lot.

After watching the news since Friday morning and seeing the loss of life happen at something so simple as going to the show, I know that every morning I wake up it is a gift and no one should take it for granted or believe they are entitled to anything other than the moment.  I want to always embrace the moment, good or bad, and then journey on as long as I can. 

I am headed to Lansing on Thursday and Friday for a mandatory meeting so it will be a quick week.  Today I am going to attend the funeral of the parent of a staff member, tomorrow is a board meeting, finger prints, executive committee meeting, then meeting Brenda for dinner in Buchanan.  Wednesday I will need to go to the medical park and do some blood work for surgery.  It will be here before we know it.  

I am already wondering what my next obstacle will be?   I have several doctor's appointments in August, Dr. Patel, Dr. Wolfe and Dr. Zon.  Actually I seem to have a lot of appointments.  I won't know if I am coming or going but somedays I don't know anyway. 

Just Do It!

I am using the Nike slogan because it fits.  I started working out at 911 Center on Sunday.  I did the machines and some cardio and it felt great.  Monday after work I went back and did 40 minutes of CV on the 4 different machines doing 10 minutes on each to vary the workout and give my abs some variety.  Tuesday I went to Yoga and stretched and worked those abs again.  I have now been to Yoga 4 times in two weeks and I do believe I feel the difference and my abs are beginning to feel a little better.  I am still very tight and feel stretched when I stand up tall and try to bring my shoulders back, lift my rib case and the pull is obvious.  Also, my poor belly button is stretched but usually more from the end of the day push.    Last night in yoga we did some really good moves that stretched my abs and rib area so much I had to do it slow and careful but it was wonderful.

I have a follow up appontment with Dr. Logan today and will see what he wants to do as far as the "tweaking" out patient surgery to finish the reconstruction.  This should include reduction and tattooing, etc.   I hope my recovery time is limited and if I have a soft token I can be working even while off and will not request so much FMLA. 

I have been trying hard to eat better, less junk food, and more fruits and veggies and work out.  Since I have started doing all this I have gained several pounds.  Really?   WTF is that all about?  I am eating fresh cucumbers, zucchini, corn, and blueberries, cherries, canteloupe.  Maybe I am eating too many calories even though they are good calories.  I will not over react, slow down a little on the food, eat more fresh veggies (not starchy) and less fruit which can really add up the calories and see if this will help. 

We are going to Chicago on Friday to celebrate our anniversary and I am looking forward to just seeing the sites.  Walking around will burn some calories and I do not plan to over indulge but enjoy.  We are going to capital grille for dinner Saturday and I already have looked at the menu.  Yummy stuff.  I also am trying hard to limit the amount of meat and poultry I eat and when I do have animal protein it is seafood.

Well, I will report back tomorrow on what the doctor says and will continue to do my yoga and hope to help the entire healing process.

What - Another Post So Soon?

Be still my beating heart - I am writing again in the blog the second time this week.  I am not sure why except it is 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday and it is darn quiet in the house.  I have not turned on the television nor opened my iPad. 

I keep thinking about next week's doctor's appointment and hope he looks at everything and has a plan.  I am really ready to have a little more symmetry so I can at least buy a bra that fits both sides.  Of course, at this stage of the game, smaller is better.  My cup runneth over a little on the rebuild side and I am always rearranging things to fit certain bras. 

I think I have just given up that my abs are going to feel any different.  The best part of the day still continues to be when I get home from work and stretch out in the lazy-boy and just let my abs release themselves - aaaaaahhhhhh.   I have been doing yoga two times a week and I know if I increased that to doing some poses every day it would continue to help - I think.  The only relief I really get is when I gently massage that abs area which runs right down the middle from my sternum to my pubic bone and then I can actually feel it release the cramping tightness.  That does not mean it is not still really tight - it just relaxes and no longer feels pulling.

I have decided to sign up to the Student Activity Center at SMC and begin to work out on a more regular basis, lose some weight and being building muscle back in my arms and legs.  I am amazed how little muscle I have now when I used to be pretty bulky - although I was never skinny so you could see the muscle but it was there and I could use it and feel it.  The older I get, the more I notice when the muscle is needed for just daily tasks and/or extra stuff like hauling mulch.

The exercise will also help with stress which is just part of life, but lately seems to me on the up swing again. 

Well, off to see what else is going on this morning.  Be good, take care of yourself.

Live, laugh, love!

19 Weeks After

It has been awhile since I posted in my blog and I cannot believe it is 19 weeks after surgery already.  This is almost 5 months and I have to say I thought I would be much more like normal by now but I will continue to just heal I hope.  Some days are much better than others and I have tried to take on some activity I did prior to surgery.  I have started doing yoga and added a second day with the intent to do some yoga every day.  I return to the doctor next week and will probably try to set up my tweaking outpatient to reduce the size and add some cosmetic stuff. 

I have come to believe this may be how it will be always and to find a way to live with it.  It is still very difficult to describe the sensation.  It is like a constant cramping of my abs and sometimes it just plan hurts.  If I lie flat and massage my abs I can get the tightness to subside and actually can get it to where I don't feel any difference until I move just a little and then it retightens.  I am hoping more yoga will help continue to stretch and stengthen that area.  I have not yet been active doing much else.  Walking for a short while is all I can do because of the pressure and tightness.  I am planning to sign up for the SAC at SMCA and see if I can do weights, etc. which I think I can.  I have gone into the 911 Center and worked out a little but I cannot find any of my keys to 911 - they must be in a pocket somewhere - or maybe they are in the locker I use - nothing is impossible now days.

I continue to keep my hair short and it seems like the color is getting more and more gray.  I don't plan to do anything with it right now - I am not pretending to be younger than I am - I just don't want to look or feel older than I am.  We have a trip planned to Arizona in September and I want so much to do some hiking Camel Back and some other trails but I need to be working up to that task.  Also, I want to do a hot air balloon ride and a tour at Sedona.  I love the AZ area and would like to spend a few months there in the winters.  Maybe further South but still in AZ.

It is Thursday and I am working from home this morning while the new Pella sliding door is installed. Then off to Cass to attend Margaret Shultz's open house between 3 and 5.  I will probably run into the office first thing to discuss my late night phone call from the Judge. 

Hope to write again a little sooner.   At least after I see Dr. Logan next week.  I do have to say my ab scar is looking pretty good - I put on Palmer's Vitamin E butter on it every night and my stomach is smooth although not flat if that makes any sense.