What a Great Day

Maybe it is all in my head and that is okay. I am feeling wonderful.  Chemo is over and it was fast and not a sad time at all to say goodbye to my nurses.    Came home and had a visit from an old friend and we cried and laughed and shared memories for 9 hours.   Had a good burger from Inn Betwen and a bottle of red wine.  Then I went to bed and slept until 7:00 a.m this morning.  Unheard of and no I was not drunk (one small glass of wine is all I had)  But I actually snuggled in and didn't get up until 7:45.   I feel so renewed and ready for life.  Now maybe tomorrow the fatigue will hit (which is usually when it does) but today I will enjoy my energy.  I am already planning on my healthy eating and beginning to workout a little more.  Green tea, fresh oranges, dry toast, one egg in olive oil.  Yum.

It is weird that on December 31st there is a thunderstorm happening outside.  I would like to soak in the hot tub before the ND game today but not in the lighting and rain.  I don't want to press my luck too much.  :-)

I plan to take a photo tomorrow - January 1st and then a photo the 1st of every month to come just to track my look.  See my hair grow and see if my patchy face improves and hopefully lose weight too.  I could do with a 25 pound reduction.

Well, enough for today, enjoy every moment,  Life is Good.

Today is the Day

It seems like it has taken forever but got here in a flash.  Chemo started Thursday August 19th and today, December 30th, I will receive my last of 16 treatments.  I can say the end is here just in time because I feel like my body is falling apart, and the weekly treatments are beginning to take their toll on my entire being.  I am so ready for the passing of each new day toward a healthier toxic free body but the process was necessary to help secure my well being in the future.  This is one last time I will NOT be sad about like yesterday.  

The Day Before

Treatment and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not Joe or his spouse.   Okay, so I am stirring but no one else is.  The house is cold so I need to turn up the heat.  I have been feeling stressed but I think it is a combinatio of things including retirement and people leaving the office.  My fingers and toes are better and again I think it is the B-6.  My nose is the same but my BP is still up and down.  I am falling apart.........but the end is near and soon things will all turn around and I will become the healthy, fit, 55 year old ready to take on a half-marathon, Zumba, Yoga, and anything else thrown my way.  HeeHaw!

Last Tuesday in 2010

So the days count down but in the meantime I try to take care of business at work.  I did go to the drug store and got by Vitamin B-6 to help with the tingling and I think it has helped already.  My BP is still way up 150/84 but I will continue to monitor and let the New Year come in and see if I can't begin to regain control over it.  The worse that will happen is I will go see the doctor and get on BP medication.  I think it is a combination of everything and with a change in my diet/nutrition and get off my butt and exercise I will get better numbers.

It is going on 6:00 a.m. so time to hit the shower, dress in my jeans, and head to Centreville to say good bye to many people over there. 

Just Around the Corner

and the count down continues.  I am irritated at the numbness in my fingers and toes and then I realized by Vitamin B-6 has been gone for a few days and I never got more.  This morning I am off to Rite Aid and get some more B-6.  I think it made a big difference.  I felt better Sunday than I did Saturday and it is interesting how my body tells me what to do and not.  We met Shannon for breakfast before she left town, I did three full loads of laundry, picked up around the house, played with the new Christmas stuff, and went to bed about 9:00 pm feeling like I had an okay day. 

I am up and ready to start the week and see what adventure each day brings.  It is the best of times and the worst of times.........

The Day After

I think Christmas Day got the best of me - I didn't move from my chair all day.  I watched House Hunters for hours.  I was just feeling punk, eyes puffy, headachy.   I felt like this last Sunday too.  I am feeling better so far this morning, and will make myself get up and around and do some things.  I think some of this is mind over matter - if it matters to me I don't mind getting up and doing it.  :-)   I just made a joke. 

The numbness in my fingers and feet continues, my chest is numb and I think it is from the port use.  That comes and goes depending on my activity for the day.  I am plugged up at night so breathing through my mouth drying out my lips and throat, waking up, drinking water, and starting all over again. 

Wow, I am very whiny this morning.  I do like having an extra day after the Holiday to continue to enjoy being home.  Many times this is a back to work day.  Off to put a load of clothes in the washer......

Christmas 2010

We anticipate this day all year long and then it arrives and you are relieved when it is over.  I love watching the family all together just one night of the year to laugh, share stories, make memories, and take part it whatever is going on this particular night.  We went to church and watched Caiden in the Christmas program and memories of Carlos and Adam being young popped up like they were yesterday and I was mom and not grandma.  The years go fast and I know if you are 30 you don't think so - but be careful - you will wake up tomorrow and you will be 55.  Take nothing for granted, tell people you care about how you feel, have no regrets, and make the best choice you can at the time.  At the end of the day, just be a good person, no one can ask any more of you than that.

I know every day is a gift.  Oh, by the way - one more to go!!  Woohoo!

Merry Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve on a Friday changes the entire week and weekend.  I am feeling pretty good this morning so far and did well yesterday after chemo - I was just a little tired.  My blood pressure continues to be high and I took it last night it was 134/88 which was much improved compared to 172/109 at treatment.   I will continue to monitor it close and then see Dr. Patel after the New Year to see what long term to do if I can't regulate it through better nutrition and exercise.  I know I have lots of stress happening every where and while treatment is almost done then your mind set changes to prevention and reocurrence. 

For today, I will go shopping for last minute items, come home and bake my potates and then be done for the day.  Enjoy.

Ever so closer

and now it is Wednesday, the last day of this work week for State employees.  I actually don't have to take sick leave for chemo this week and am happy about that!  I am taking off early today because I have maxed out on my accumulated leave time.  I need to plan a vacation to use a few hours. 

My fingers and toes are still a numby mess but hoping it will all come to an end soon.  My hair on my head continues to grow just a tiny, ity, bity bit, but I will take it.  I keep pretending I can slick it down and move it side to side.  :-)

I think I will take a photo the 1st of each month just to track its growth.  I know some day I won't remember it being gone so I need pictures.  Christmas is just around the corner and although I do love the season, I love the day after just as much.  HoHoHo. 

And......

another day ahead of me.  I felt much better yesterday than I did Sunday.  Not sure why but I knew it as soon as I woke up.  I think I was just too busy over the weekend and not giving my body time to recover from chemo, especially since I had both drugs.  My fingers and toes are horrible lately more numb than usual and I only hope this goes away eventually.  Also, my skin looks bad, my face is blotchy, I am flushed, I feel puffy and ugh.  HoHoHo - sounds like a Christmas Carol type of story.

TGIM

I am glad to have the weekend done.  I felt like crap yesterday - stomach feeling weird, nose plugged up, and just generally feeling cranky and yuck.  I did wrap a couple packages, played with my new phone a little, and then soaked in the tub and went to Chuck and Shelley's house for a nice dinner.  Home before 7:00 and watched a little tv before heading upstairs about 9:30 p.m.   This morning I feel better already but not back to my perky self.  My guess is the BEVA from Friday and if I look back at the pattern I could probably support this theory, but since I am done with BEVA  it doesn't really matter.  Thursday I go for my 11th treatment in this cycle, and it is count down to kick-off.  I have a Cass board meeting this morning, St. Joe board meeting tomorrow, and then the disciplinary conference with the new supervisor tomorrow.  My blood pressure has been up for the last week and continues to be high.  I don't think it will come down until after the Holidays and if not then, I will follow up with Dr. Patel and see what she thinks. 

Day After

but it really feels just like any other day.  Actually, I slept all night not waking up until 3:50 so that was better.  Must have been because I went to work instead of staying home and watching tv or napping.  I will wait for the usual things like flushed face, some more taste bud problems, and some of the other regular things I have grown way too accustomed to dealing with like they are normal.  Uhm, normal, not sure what that even looks like........

And then there were 2

Treatment went fine this morning and seemed pretty quick.  Saw Dr. Z too.  Everything continues to go well and I will meet with her in January to review every thing that has been going on, and where we go from here since treatment is done in two weeks.

The clinical trial was unblinded and I have been receiving the BEVA (Avastin) all through treatment which I think we all felt I was based upon the side affects, bloody nose, taste bud problems, etc.  I was in the 2nd arm of the trial and did not get randomized to see if I continue or not.  I am officially done with the BEVA and my next two treatments will only be the Taxol.  Lots of questions for Dr. Z and I will begin to do a list so I don't forget. 

I bought a couple new nutrition and cook books because I have been reading lots of better health and I think I am going to go vegan and all natural.   Yes I am - okay maybe NOT!   But I am going to pay much closer attention and get as healthy as I can.  It may not keep reoccurence from happening but it will sure make treatment much easier to deal with and I have found first hand how important that is.  My hair continues to grow out alittle and I have not been wearing hats at work.  I am getting a lot more conversation from co-workers, etc.  I think they feel if I am unveiling my head I must be ready to make it more open and public.  Like I was trying to hide under my hat so I didn't have to address it.  Really, I was just concerned about how weird I looked with a bald shiny head.  My hair still looks weird, it just is not totally bald and shiny. 

Wow, I seem to have lots to talk about.  I am feeling ready for the turn around and one less thing to be anxious about. I was fearful I would be selected to continue to BEVA for another 6 months and then have to make a decision which I would probably have decided to continue because that is who I am.  I think I just received a message from above telling me I have done good, and it is my turn to move on for myself.

I continue to appreciate and thank all of you you keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Nothing more powerful then people getting together and thinking positive.

Anticipation

The end of chemo is so close I can see it in my head.  I only hope I am not in the 3rd arm of the clinical trial which continues with the BEVA.  I still have the big nose issues snorting out big scabs all the time and just feeling like I can't breath.........  I also really want a little more hair.  Now it has grown a little I am ready to see the color and see it even an inch long to see the difference.  I have not been wearing a hat at work this week and the reaction from co-workers and staff is interesting.  They are much more open to asking questions and talking about it - like when I took off my hat it was my signal that I was on the road to recovery when in fact I am just tired of wearing the hat.

Cancer is a very "elephant in the room" type of topic and personal for many people not wanting to share.  Everyone deals with it different - there is no right way or wrong way - just your way.

Last day of work this week cuz chemo and clinical trial drug tomorrow.  I also see Dr. Z.   I will also need to have echogram and EKG done next week.  I am putting together my question for Dr. Z to see where I go when treatment is done. 

What Day is it anyway?

I am running out of titles because things continue to be status quo - and that is good.  It is Tuesday, and I am headed to Centreville, no real weather issue today, busy day, and then back to Cass tomorrow.  As always, before I know it Friday will be here and time for treatment.  Went to Lindy's last night for Christmas Party for LCISD where Joe is on the Board.  Afterwards a man came up and hugged me, saying he was a cancer person too.  He had big tears in his eyes and talked about 6 rounds of chemo.  He was very emotional and appears to be in a much larger battle than I am and I was a little taken aback.  He has a team from University of Chicago which also tells me he has a different battle.  Bless all the cancer survivors and those in treatment right now.  Life is very precious - every second.

Today

is another Monday and glad to have them.  I feel better this morning, more like I accomplished some things yesterday and took some pressure off to do more for the holidays.  I came across a blog last night by Jennifer Griffin who is a report for Fox TV.  She was diagnosed with tnbc (triple negtive breast cancer) at age 40 last year and she blogged about it including chemo, surgery, radiation, and how she managed otherwise, and the continued education on tnbc.  She also talked alot about exercise and diet and low glycemic index, etc.  Time for me to take a more serious look at my food.  I am also wondering if I would have had the tnbc diagnosis in June if Dr. Z would have discussed a bi-lateral mastectomy more.......and wonder why it isn't being discussed even now.  Why go through reduction and reconstruction if removal and reconstruction is the more sound treatment option.  It will be a discussion I have Friday with her since I see her then, and have my clinical trial unblinded. 

Lots of information and it really isn't over, just will be changing direction.   But, I will be okay - I am back to that feeling again and I appreciate it lots.

Snow Day

Seems like a good day just to hang around and do nothing.  I don't think I wrote yesterday but don't remember.  We went and did a little Christmas shopping and can say I did not enjoy it that much.  I was hot, could not breath and just felt all over exhausted.  I tend to believe I am just fine but in reality I am not in very good shape just from being inactive.  Right now I am real close to being in a bad mood and not sure why.  I look around the house and see piles of crap, Joe has bags of shredding and just lets sit and Bella gets into it and spreads it all over the house.  There are piles of mail, and just overall shit - excuse my French. 

I am ready to go through and do a clean out of lots of stuff and see if he even misses any of it.........UGH.........why am I so cranky?   Part of it is Elizabeth Edwards dying and being reminded that women are dying every day from breast cancer...and there are no guarantees.   The closer to the end of my treatment I get the closer I get to the journey of "will it come back".    I think a support group will be a good option after the first of the year - sounds like a need something.

TGIF

Actually, this week has gone by so fast, I can't believe it is already Friday.  I have treatment at 8:30 and then Joe is having a procedure at Unity Hospital and needs to be there by 12:00 noon.  We will go from my treatment to his procedure and then Sharon will meet up with us down there in case I am wanting to leave and come home.  I can drive fine - I just don't want to leave Joe alone.  I fully anticipate being fine and will take a book to read or something.  I have not had any problems with feeling bad or being so tired I want to sleep all day.  Actually, it has been the opposite, I have been wide awake and wanting to go do something.  After today there will only be 3 sessions left. 

I do feel sad about Elizabeth Edwards because it brings back the reality of re-occurrence and the fact that inspite of all you do, cancer returns and can return in full force.  Just the luck of the draw.  I won't worry about it until it becomes an issue.  I am to ready to be done and move forward to going back to normal.

Another week

is winding down and tomorrow is already Friday.  I have been so busy at work I can't keep track of the days but that one is always on my mind.  I have finally started taking my hat off at work - so far so good.  I have definite feet and finger issues and will be soooooooo happy for that last treatment done and start letting my body rid itself of the chemicals. 

Busy, busy, busy

Too busy to really pay any attention to myself.  That is actually a good thing.  I am going to find my Santa hat today and wear it with a green sweater, red turtle neck, to keep with the Christmas theme until I can figure out where I put all my other Christmas stuff.  The tingling in my fingers and toes is pretty strong first thing in the morning and I take 30 minutes to clear out my nose.  Last night I had plugged up nose and I thought I was getting a cold.  Then after some messing, I was able to blow out a huge dried blood clot - it felt so much better.  Simple things in life people - like a nose you can breath through!  Happy day to all.

A New Week

And the work week begins.  It will be busy every day with either meetings or other appointments. Today in Cass, management meetings, meet with supervisor regarding her issues, Tuesday is management meeting, webcast at courthouse, Wednesday is HSCC and Great Starts meetings in Cass, Thursday, is Director's Conf call and meeting with Liz P regarding parenting.  I am too busy to even think about myself - wow, before I know it Friday is here.

Snow

Here is am looking outside as the snow falls  This means I will get out my snow shoes and play in the snow.  I have my Holiday scents in the Scentsy pots, snow outside, the tree up, I feel like Christmas.  Nothing much happening but going to Christmas open houses requires me to gear up for them.  The topic of conversation is usually me so at least I have a little small talk.  Those people who don't know me  look at me weird as to why I have a hat on inside the house when it is like 90 degrees.  If my new grown hair was just a little longer I would go naked, but still a little too weird looking.    Next year I can look back and laugh about this Christmas season!  HoHoHo.  Bring on the egg nogg.

Count Down - 4

Four more to go - and I will take it one week at a time and not worry about the end.  NOT - come on - let's get this stuff done.  I'm sorry to wish away the holidays but I would love to wake up and have it be January 1st instead of December 4th.  :-)    Treatment went just fine - very busy with lots of people because the office was having their Christmas party in the afternoon.  Interesting to see some new people and interact with others. 

My hair does continue to grow a little and looks weird but I will still take something over nothing. I just know it will be months before it is really long enough to feel comfortable wearing no hat.  It has been 90 days since Cathy had her hair buzzed and it is still pretty short - although cute.  :-) 

Friday Already

It really has been a quick week given there were no days off.  I am headed to South Bend with Cathy this morning for an 8:00 a.m. treatment.  Joe has a meeting in Lansing and since I only have Taxol today, it should be a quick morning and back home at a good time.  I know I won't do much because I never do.  I have a couple movies taped, and may just do a little laundry, light some candles and enjoy the afternoon. 

Not much else......

Friday

I know - it's not really Friday, but because Thursday is my last day of work every week it feels like my Friday.  Then my Friday feels like a foreign day.  It will be very strange the first week in January that I work a five day work week.  I may not know how to function on that fifth day.  So you can tell I don't have much to write about this morning.   Nothing new and the same old, same old.   Whatever.

Mid-week

It is Wednesday already and actually more than mid-week for me - I have just tomorrow and then I am done for the week.  I have had a nose bleed twice out of the blue this week from my left nostril - strange.  I always need to have tissue with me and be careful blowing my nose.    Not much else going on - still have no taste and have continued to cut back on my food and be careful that I am not just eating to try and feel better.  If I can't taste it and it is not healthy - put it away. 

Snow and cold outside this morning so time to bundle up and continue to stay healthy as possible.  I am on the home stretch and don't want to mess it up now.  I came home late last night and tired so did nothing but snuggle up and watch some tv - not much activity this time of the year regardless of my health issues.

I had my photo in the Three Rivers Commercial press and it was a little unsettling.  I had on my black hat and pretty red poncho thing - but do I look bad.  I hope to get another photo in when my hair grows back!