One More Little Stitch

I have found one learns so much when they are involved in a major medical issue.  I know more about breast cancer and treatment than I would ever think.  Now the reconstructive surgery has educated me more.  I last saw the nurse at Dr. Logan's office the last of October and she was suppose to look for and remove any stray stitches.  I actually found one and pulled it out while she was looking for tweezers and that was all she really did.  I found her to be rather uncomfortable looking closely at my reconstructed nipple which in reality looks rather perfect and odd.  So, as time as progressed there are numerous stitches that are not dissolving and so I have gone into nurse mode.  But, let me tell you it is very ackward trying to pull the stitch with tweeters and then take my very tiny and very sharp sissors to snip the stitch so it will pull out.  I currently have one stitch left out of about 5 of them and that puppy is on the bottom side of my new mega-nipple and I cannot see it without the use of a mirror and the thought of using sharp sissors in an area I cannot see except backwards in a mirror is not very comforting so that stitch is still there.  it does help that I have no feeling in that area so if I do nip myself it may bleed but it will not hurt.  :)  I do go back to see Dr. Logan one more time on the 12th of December and it worse comes to worse I can leave that last one until then and he can pull it out. 

I do wish he had reduced the reconstruction a little more but it is so much better than before that I really can't complain and I will not go through another surgery just to do a little tweaking again.  I will ask if I lose weight overall will I lose in that breast which is really just belly fat.  I have googled it (because that is what I do) and there is conflicting information about yes or no.

It is time to get ready for work as I am in Centreville and then in Berrien this afternoon so I will try to come back and write more later today or tomorrow.  

Two Days in a Row

After being so down for so long I decided to put a positive attitude into action.  I woke up Monday morning, put on my workout clothes, did some easy stretches, and then after my coffee went down to the treadmill and did 20 minutes.  Not a long time, not a hard walk, but 20 minutes.  Tuesday morning I got up, had my coffee, put on my workout clothes and went to SMC and did the BodyPump class at 6:30 and it was a great workout.  All my muscles were shaky and there were some things I opted out of doing and those reps I did were with very light weights.  I will do some stretches through the day to keep that area moving and then I have a massage at 2:45 p.m. today - wow!

I had some oatmeal wtih blueberries for breakfast and find the less I eat the better I feel so I am working on that.  I am still eating but small amounts thru the day so it does not blow up my stomach or at least make it feel that way. 

I go to have the bandage changed and hopefully removed so the stitches can finish healing in the open air.  I do need to go bra shopping again and try to find some really, really, comfortable bras that do not leave marks across my reconstruct.  I don't like the Lane Bryant ones I bought and will try a different style.  I am also not a DDD on the right side so it should be easier to find some options.  I probably am still a DD and a D depending on the style of bra.  So now that I have shared, I think I will go finish dishes, and then stretch it all out.

I hope everyone makes the decision to go vote and express yourself.  Otherwise, a few people get to make really big decisions for us all.

A Better Day

I am sitting in the living room watching Food Network after watching the Bears win big.  I am feeling a little more positive than some of my past blog entries.  I think I will take advantage of the time change, set out my workout clothes and hit the treadmill in the morning instead of going into work at 6:00 a.m. which I fear I may do because I will be up, awake, and ready.  Then Tuesday, since we are closed, I will go in to SMC and take Michele's 6:30 body pump class.  I also will set up my area for yoga and begin to do my stretches and exercises again to see if I can regain some flexibility that I when I was doing my physical therapy. 

So, I will report back so you know how I am doing.  What I do know is lying around is not making my abs better, and my back is beginning to hurt more again as well.

I go back to see the nurse on Wednesday morning and hope the healing is going well.  I have not really seen the scars yet and am not looking forward to that portion.  I was hoping he was going to take a large section of the skin out but I can tell from the bandages that did not happen.  I am ready to be over all of this and move on.  I know the abs will always be an issue but I need I make the most of what I have, I can't go back, and then get to be the best me I can be with my limitations.  I have a lot of life to look forward to, I have a home I love, family I cherish, a sense of self that I want to experience.  I want to do an actual written bucket list and then experience everything on that list. 

So, do I have you motivated and pumped and ready to do it all?  I now just need to walk into the kitchen and check the dryer.  I might even pop some popcorn as my Sunday evening meal.  That was the family tradition in the Glynn household - our Sunday evening meal was popcorn and something sweet.  

Here is to a new tomorrow!

Just taking it one day at a time.

Went to see Dr. Logan and he changed the dressing and ripped off the steri-strips.  I am still pretty bruised and the reconstruction looks gross to me but as always, Dr. Logan was in awe how good it looked.  I must wear dark shades whenever I go to his office because I do not see the same thing he does. 

He did say things looked good, the right side did look a little larger than the left and even when the swelling was gone it still may be a little bit bigger.  Trust me, it is so much smaller than it was I think I can live with a "little" bigger.  This happens in nature so I can deal with it.  I go back to see the nurse in a week to have my incisions checked and to remove any other stitches that may make their way to the surface.  Then I see Dr. Logan in a month for that follow up. 

The incision on my leg looks a little out of wack - pulling in an area and deformed but given where it is located not many people will ever see that area.  I am feeling pretty down and not sure what is going on.  I find myself just sitting and stretching my abs and wondering where will this lead me.  I am not sure if I will get any better than I am and I am fighting emotions and some sense of depression.

Time to head out the door to work which is another blog.  All I can say is I am happy to be counting down to retirement and not looking at 20 more years in the agency.  Life is really short and trying to please people all day long with little success is wearing on me.  So, do I have you depressed yet?

Tomorrow will be a better day and as always - today could be worse - I have been there.  :)

Early Morning

It was a long day at work and I was not feeling well at all.  I was sick to my stomach for much of the day and had a dull headache, came home at noon and tried to sleep for an hour, went back to work for a conference call, and I did make it to 4:00.  But, I came home and immediately changed my clothes took off my dressing on my leg and put on my support garmet for my chest.  I have a huge solid black area from surgery and I am sore when I move around.  I wanted nothing to eat for dinner, had some tea and water and went to bed with 2 pain pills at 9:00 a.m.   I slept pretty good and woke up this morning feeling much better.

I have already done some housework, laundry, dishes, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned out the cat box, took trash out and am thinking of doing some cooking to have some left overs for the rests of the weekend.  My weight is down a few pounds but I have not been eating much.  I think I under estimated how much the surgery zapped out of me just because it did not put me down and out.  I am very curious to see what the results of the reconstruction and how much of the initial patch is left. 

I see Dr. Logan on Monday and I assume he will remove the bandage and just leave the steri- strips for the stitches to continue to dissolve.  I will also assume I will return to see him one more time in this process and then probably a follow up in a few months.  I would love to continue to lose weight and that will be my next goal.  Work out in the morning when I know I feel the best, and then I can just crash after work instead of feeling guilty for not going to work out.

My abs are still tight and weird and I am just accepting that as part of the rest of my life.  I did make an appointment for a swedish message and facial and will talk with Erin about doing some holistic massage on my abs/scar to see if she can help give me some relief. 

If the bra fits - wear it.

I took a shower this morning and it felt wonderful.  I did not soak under the spray as I did not want my bandages to get soaking wet but did wash my hair and gave my body a good rinse off.  Then I picked out some comfy clothes that are okay for work, put a dressing on my leg incision so I could wear panties without it rubbing and breaking stitches and put on a bra that sI eems to fit much better.

I still think the right side is larger but some of that is swelling from surgery and I think over time it will continue to reduce a little to a close matching pair.  I am going to ask the doctor about losing weight.  I normally lose weight starting from my waist up and that reduces my bra size.  I wonder if the reconstructed side (which is just my body fat) will lose volume as well.  I have read both ways and will be interested to hear what he thinks.

I am opening the office in Cass today and will try to be there all day.  If not, I will come home and work mobile so I am available.  I have not done much more than lay around for the last two days so I hope my stamina will help me make it through the day.

That's What I'm Talking About

I am on day two after my surgery and I think I am feeling better.  My groin incision does not hurt except when the dressing rubs against it and the tape is also an issue.  My right reconstruction was very sore and is still some sore but improving.  I think it still looks bigger that the left side but I do realize it is swollen and will reduce a little more.  I have not taken off any of those dressings and I won't until I go Monday and let Dr. Logan do it.  I have a fear that if I were to sneak a peak my new nipple would rip off - so I am good just waiting.

I do plan to go to work tomorrow as all I will need to do is still in my office.  If I get too tired or uncomfortable I will just pack up my computer and work from home.  Being mobile is a good thing.  Payroll is due today so I can go into the network on my other computer and approve my direct staff timesheets and do whatever else I need. 

The weekend will be just two more days of taking it easy and I should be fit as a fiddle (okay, maybe an old fiddle) and looking forward to the holidays coming. 

Another Day After

I am sitting in the living room at home taking off a few days from work.  I have to admit I was very
hesitant about this last surgery thinking I should cut my losses and run.  Now that it is over, I am feeling good.  I am moving slow and a little weak but I have not had any food since Monday night about 7:00 in prep for surgery.  Last night had some chicken broth and today I have been drinking water and I did splurge and have a cup of cinnamon coffee.  I do have a headache but that is attributable to the lack of coffee over the last few days.

So, I am all bandaged up and have to say I have the feeling of pain in my right breast which until yesterday basically had no feeling.  Dr. Logan did some lipsuction and remove some of the "heavy" and he extended up toward my underarm and that portion is very black and blue and sore.  I have to keep the dressings on for several days and just do sponge baths.  That first shower will feel wonderful. 

So far, just looking at myself in the mirror I feel so much better about the size and it looks very close in size.  This means I will be able to go do some more shopping for new bras!!  I also have a long incision in the right groan.  It is right in the fold where my leg connects to my torso and the slice is almost to my private part.  Given that, the bandage they have on it is rather uncomfortable.  Dr. Logan did tell me at an earlier appointment that is where he gets the skin to do the nipple reconstruction  and I really wanted no more knowledge about that and actually it is okay.  We will see how it all plays out.  At least I do not have any drains to mess with.

Since June 2010, I have had 5 surgeries including this on and I have to admit I am very, very tired of going under the knife and am so ready to let all the parts heal and put all of this behind me.   Then I can just keep seeing Dr. Z, move it to annual examinations and hit my 5 year mark.  By that time I will only have one more year to work and can plan for our retirement.    Wow, I just aged myself right to the age 60 - not that there is anything wrong with being 60?

I am looking forward to a down weekend, just watching some football, continue to take it easier and hope my incisions are all healing. 

Things Can Change Fast

I was at home yesterday for lunch when the phone rang.  It was a call from Dr. Logan asking if it was possible for me to change my schedule for surgery to Tuesday afternoon instead of Thursday?  I thought quickly and said I could do it in the afternoon but not in the morning so with about 24 hours notice I will be having my surgery to finish up the tweaking.  I have mixed feelings about moving forward only because I now realize not everything turns out okay.  I would really like to have the reduction and try to makes things a little more normal yet there is the unknown and maybe things will be worse.  So, I will cross my fingers, say a little prayer, and move forward with positive thoughts that this will be a good thing and will finish up this part of my journey.

I will run to Centreville, do my board meeting at 9:30 a.m. leave there at 10:00 to run home and leave the house by 11:00 to get to the health park by 11:45 and get checked in.  I have not had anything to eat or drink since yesterday at about 9:15 so I am already thirsty.  I have to keep remembering I cannot swallow anything because habit will take me to coffee or water.   I will be happy to have this day over and then spend several days home trying to get better.

Where Have I Been?

I had no idea it has been over a month since I have posted.  My outpatient surgery is next week (actually one week from tomorrow) and I hope to just stay home for several days (over the weekend) and be ready for work on the 29th.  I am putting on weight and feeling a little out of control and wanting to make a change in that regard.  I do find myself coming home after work and stretching out in the chair and there I stay for the evening.  If I stay busy right after work, run an errand or putts around the house I do better, but once I go down I am down for the count. 

I do look forward to some balance and hope to wear more things in my closet.  Right now some things really emphasis the difference in size (or at least in my mind) so I do not wear stuff.  I also tend to wear things bigger and baggy which does not help with the look in the mirror.  So, I am back to trying to eat proper, quick snacking, follow a plan, and exercise.  One of these days I will put all of these things into play.  :)

I am having some tingling in my left hand, two fingers actually - my little finger and my ring finger.  It feels like they are just beginning to fall sleep but I cannot rub the circulation back into them.  I don't know if this is from the chemo (neuropathy I had) or something else.  I see Dr. Patel again in November and I will talk with her about it then.  I have been taking my medication faithfully, and my added vitamin/supplements which are actually hard to take very day just because of the size of the flipping pills.   I gag some days if I don't get enough water to swallow.  I am hoping these will make a difference.  However, if I would lose the 15 pounds she wanted me to lose and exercise every day those two items could make the most difference.  So, what will it be?  

So, has it been obvious that I have not mentioned my abs?  Why you wonder? I seem to be so centered on that subject I am trying to move on and take that out of the equation.  I still have tightness and discomfort.  The last few days it seems like less but I don't really know that.  I did go to physical therapy for two sessions, missed my last session, and Melissa sent me some additional exercises.  Again, I think when I was faithfully doing my stretches and strengthening exercises I was doing better. 

There are lots of things I need to re-evaluate and try to determine why I am not taking better care of myself.  My extra weight is a big risk factor for reoccurrence of cancer.  My other over all health is effected by the weight, my blood pressure, and just strength.  I want to make a re-committment to a better more healthy life style.  I am so proud of Cathy and her new found passion for exercise and I want to get back that feeling.  I love Zumba, I love Yoga, I love to lift weights and work out yet, I can't get myself up out of this chair. 

Enough whining - I hope to use next week's surgery as the catalyst for moving forward finally.  The procedure should be the last with Dr. Logan, a few follow ups, and then put that part of my recovery behind me and begin the next chapter.  I go back to Dr. Z in February which will be over my 2 year anniversary (12/30/12) and not sure if I switch to one year or stay at 6 months.  I also think at 2-1/2 years I come off tamoxifen and go on another inhibitor which I hope will reduce or take away the hot flashes and other side effects that cause me grief. 

Yet, when all is said and done, I am blessed to have each new day no matter what the challenge it brings because it is not my time to leave.  I embrace all that is there for me to experience and go to sleep every night looking forward to waking up even if it is 4:00 a.m.    :)

Two Weeks Zipped By

It has been almost two weeks since I saw Dr. Z.  I have been to physical therapy two times and she has provided me with some excellent stretches and ab strengthening exercises and if I would do them regularly I know they would help.  Maybe that is the next small habit I should put into place - doing my yoga/stretches every morning when I first wake up.  I have the space in the blue room to lay out my yoga mat and could set up my music and even Dr. Oz in this month's Prevention magazine has a nice 10 minute yoga routine that works many of the same areas.  For some reason I continue to be a little hesitant so I will not make the committment yet.

I did go lift weights Monday evening at the 911 Center and then came home and walked the trails with Joe.  Last night we walked again for 3 miles and while I initially did not feel like going, I am so glad I did.   I have been recording my BP every morning when I wake up and this morning was my lowest yet 97/64.  I will be careful and watch it closely because I think the more I exercise the less I will need my BP medication.  My goal is to come off it completely.  

I have taken off Friday the 14th and may go do a workout class in Niles and then Saturday morning would like to do a spinning class in Edwardsburg if Greg is teaching and will let me try it.  I am afraid of spinning because I know it will be hard and I have a bad knee so not sure if I can do much standing up.  It can only help with the abs though.

So, I guess I have caught myself up and will continue to try and lose weight - 15 pounds by mid-November sounds easy but mid-November is really just around the corner. 

Put down the candy and chips - pick up the carrots and chard!  

Six Months and Counting

So Friday, August 31st I had my 2nd six month checkup with Dr. Zon.  To be honest I find these a little odd because nothing really happens.  They take my vitals, ask how I have been feeling, any aches, pains, headaches, or other things concerning, I say no, Dr. Zon does a quick exam and says everything looks good and will see me in six months.  So, I go back to her on March 1st, 2013 and that will be just over my two year mark since the end of treatment.  She also makes sure I am doing all the preventive stuff I should be, annual exams, mammograms, etc.  Prevention I guess is the key word.

It now has been over six months since my reconstructive surgery and if you would have told me before February 28th I would still be recovering I would have laughed - no way.  So, I continue to work on this every day - although somedays I just plain try to forget it.  I have been doing my stretches and strengthening sometimes and I will put in an effort to begin to do it every day at least once and the stretches 2 or 3 times per day.  I am working at making small changes that become habit.  I traditionally am an all or nothing type of person.  I tend to do things in extreme like losing weight.  I can drop 30 pounds by low carb and then I can regain those 30 pounds because I go back to regular eating of anything I want.  However, this time I am trying to make subtle, long term changes.  Like what you are asking? 

First, taking my vitamins and supplements every day.  This is not hard to actually take them but it is hard to actually remember.  I also do not take all of these horse pills at the same time because they left me with a horrible belly ache the first time I tried to do that.  So, I take my multi-vitamin and niacin after I eat breakfast.  Then after lunch I have my calcium and around dinner I have my fish oil.  Before going to bed I am taking my BP medication and tamoxifen.  So, I have them all out on the counter top and I move the bottle as I take the pill so I know where I am at. 

Second, since putting down the new carpet in the living room, Joe and I decided to stop eating in the living room which really stains up the carpet from dropped food which may look cleaned up but then attracts dirt and stains.  I can honestly tell you I never realized how much I eat in front of the tv until I have made a conscious effort to not eat in there.  OMG!  I remember when raising children they were not allowed to eat in the living room.  If they wanted to eat something it was okay as long as they ate it at the table.  Many times they opted to not eat because they weren't hungry - it was just habit and they did not want to eat at the table.  I am finding the very same thing.  It also makes me look forward to meals instead of just snacking thru the evening.  Wow.  This may be the best new habit. 

I am not sure of the next habit to develop - but I will continue to take small steps to make a big difference. 

I have not called and set up a time for the life coach to call and talk about my lab report.  I will try and do that today, so I can continue to work on the changes. 

Finally - something tangible to do

Although yesterday was busy, it was very productive.  First, at 8:00 a.m. I met with Dr. Patel and reviewed the Health Diagnostic Laboratory Report for which reported cardiovascular risks.  Very interesting and a little concerning all at the same time.  Just a few surprises.

Overall my cholesterol is not bad but the makeup of my cholesterol is what I need to work on.  I have more small granuale particles like sand and fewer large particles.  So I will take nonflush Niacin to try and improve that ratio.  If the OTC Niacin does not make much difference she will give me a prescription strength.  Then it reveals I am Vitamin D deficient which is strange because I feel like I am out in the sun at least every day so now I will take 2000 mg daily and strive to get 15 minutes a day of sun.  I also am low on Omega-3 so now I have fish oil (ugg) 1-2 grams a day.  Plus she wants me to take calcium regularly which I should have been but didn't.  So, I went to Sams Club and bought Centrum Silver for women over 50, calcium with Vitamin D, Fish Oil, and Niacin (nonflush) to keep my face from turning bright red.  I must say 3 of the 4 pills look like horse pills and the thought of swallowing these every day is not a happy one.  I also am a little overweight and she would like to have me lose 15 pounds in the next three months and I have an appointment to return for follow  up labs to check my levels again.  So, this should be the motivation I need to get back to what I know to do.  Losing weight, eating more healthy, becoming moderately active every day will help in so many ways. 

As if that was not enough information to absorb, I went to my physical therapy evaluation in Mishawaka.  It was very interesting and not a much of a surprise either.  Many of the stretches and abs strengthening exercises she gave me were yoga poses and/or I have done on my balance ball.  She did give me some specific things to do, how often to do them, and what to watch for and how to increase intensity.  I will go back in two weeks and she will re-evaluate.  She said I have tightness over an underlying weakness so I need to work on improving my ab and lower back strength in balance while working on strengthening and opening up the diaphram and abs and my quads are very tight - not so much my hip flexors.  I will get the blue room cleaned up and set up my yoga spot and put all this to work.

I feel like I am finally on a better road to recovery and appreciate all my doctors and medical providers.  I also appreciate my insurance - I have my deductible already met and have been approved for up to 90 PT sessions in a calendar year.  Hopefully, that is more than I will ever need for anything.

Off to do my "bird dog" stretch!

Bad Day

So, I believe everyone is entitled to a bad day every once in a while and mine was yesterday.  It was nothing big and bad except I was uncomfortable all day with my abs being so damn tight and crampy I was just distracted and then I came home and stretched out and started to eat.  Why you say?  I did not take anything for lunch and did not get home until after 4:00 and was starved.  So as any normal person would do I started to eat, and had some more, and then some more because I missed lunch you know.  Well, for most people this may not be a problem but when I eat too much I feel like I am going to explode and then I was almost unable to even walk around.  I seem so hard headed sometimes and learn the hard way what to do and not to do.

I am able to eat but it has to be a little bit at a time and not all at once - lesson is take food for lunch or take the time to go get something - even if it is a cuke and hummus. 

So, I ate some oatmeal earlier, and I will have some fruit in a little bit, and then for lunch I will be conservative and then maybe snack this afternoon all while walking around Saugatuck. 

I have an appointment at 8:00 in the morning to see Dr. Patel to review my lab results and what she wants me to do to alter in my lifestyle.  She is also going to hook me up with a life coach thru a resource, and then after work I have an evaluation with the physical therapist to see what they can or cannot do and what my insurance will cover or not cover.  Honestly, even if my insurance doesn't cover anything I will use some of my flex money to at least get in a few sessions - if they can show me things to do on my own regularly that will be worth much money.  Dr. Logan has not provided me anything except to keep doing what I am doing.  Really?

Finally....

The month of August seems to be the month to see all of my doctors.  Dr. Patel is my primary care and she is the one who wants me to lose weight, improve my BP, and had me do the blood workup to see what risk factors I have and how to address them.  I just went to Dr. Wolfe yesterday for my annual (which is very important since tamoxifen can cause other uterine problems) and he asked me if physical therapy helped my abdominal area heal.  I told him I never received any referral and my ps just indicated it would get better with time.  He said if I was interested he would make a referral for at least an evaluation to see if PT would help and I jumped at the offer.  So, next Thursday I have an apponitment in Mishawaka to start the process.  Even if my insurance will not pay for it I can use the flex funds (which I increased this year and have not used) to help seek some improvement.  Dr. W. did confirm that when all is said and done the results of my reconstruction appear they will be very favorable. 

So, when I get home there is a message from Dr. P's office and the lab report is in and she wants to meet with me to review them and plan a course of action.  Oh Crap!  I will take it as a positive steps towards securing my healthy old age.  Besides, I gripe all the time about being fat so I guess this is the opportunity (or motivation) to put my butt into gear and lose these 20-30 pounds I have caried around with me since........I think I have had it always!

So, I will have my protein shake this morning, eat a nice fresh lunchy salad, and then just be darn careful with dinner and evening snacking which is where all the calories for me really do come from.  Hopefully, with PT my exercising will become easier too.

Time to Regroup

So, I went to Zumba Saturday morning and as always - I loved it and I actually could do most of the steps although I did not know them as they are all new routines.  This morning I woke up and my abs are tight as always but doable.  So, the key is to do what I am going to do early, and then take the rest of the day as it comes.  So, do I go to work later and workout first thing in the morning?   And then just do Zumba in the evening as I can?  Those classes are not until 7:00 p.m. or so in Niles.

I have to get back in shape somehow - this entire two years has seemed to really aged me and I have never felt so much like my age!   I always felt at least 10 years younger.

I also know that the older I get the harder it will be to stay in shape - now is the time!

Sorry for rambling on - but I guess this is why I put this blog together to talk!

Focus, focus, focus

Like the title says focus - I think I have lost mine.  This week since the surgery was cancelled I seem to be a little down.  I am bummed and conflicted - wanting to get this done and behind me, but not wanting to spoil the things I have already planned.  I have not changed the surgery date yet but I will.  I can then just take time off in October and recover.  In the meantime, I will try to get back on track, eat better and get back to walking and working out everyday to help my other issues like blood pressure, weight, and any other risks.  I still struggle with the damn abs being tight, crampy, and by the day's end I am struggling just to stand up straight.  Yoga does help and if I exercise early in the day that is good too.  If I wait until the end of the day, I am usually too tight to do much without a real strain on my lower back. 

We have new carpet coming for the living room, new tile for the downstairs bathroom, and then I will order new blinds for the living room.  A new sofa is also on the list and reducing some of the furniture I have sitting around the house.  I want to make the blue room (which is currently filled with stuff) into a meditation/yoga area, change out drapes and give the ability to darken the room, put in my yoga equipment and be able to stretch and do my poses and enjoy the space.  There is no real other function for that room and it is just a hodge podge of stuff we never use.  Joe got that game table with chess/checkers board and has NEVER used it and I am ready to move it downstairs or sell the damn thing (or give it away).

The cooler weather has been a nice change although it does not make me any more motivated to do anything other than sit.  Where did Cindy go?

And That's The Way It Goes

So, the doctor's office called me Monday and said they needed to change my surgery but did not have a date yet.  She called me back Tuesday and gave me September 13th which I was not happy about waiting so long but took.  Then I looked at my schedule and that is just 10 days before we go to Arizona and based upon the last surgery I had there is no reason to believe I will be just fine to enjoy all the activity I want to do in Pheonix.  I want to swim, to hike, to go up in a hot balloon.  So, I think I am going to cancel and move it to October.  In the meantime I need to take a day or two off from work or lose time as I am capped out and come October 1st I get another 16 hours (which should be fine as I am gone for a week.

I have to say I am disappointed as I am ready to have all this behind me as much as possible but all things happen for a reason so I will just keep moving forward.  I will continue to try and lose weight and improve my life style.  I see Dr. Wolfe on the 16th and Dr. Zon on the 31st and not sure when I go back to see Dr. Patel so this will still be a busy month of doctors. 

Well, more to come I am sure.  I should be getting blood work results soon and see what I should be doing to improve my risk factors.  I can't wait - ugh.

Count Down

So three days of work this week, surgery on Thursday, and Friday home to recover and spend the weekend doing the same.  I have not heard what time surgery is yet and as always, I hope it is early so I can get back home and be in my own surroundings.  I am only thinking positive thoughts.  I have continued to be be active, working through my abs and their tightness, trying to walk every day and just take it one day at a time. 

Food was more of a struggle yesterday because I was a little bored or just not busy enough.  I did get some groceries and will be able to nibble healthy.  I have still cut way back on the calories and it does show on the scale and in how I feel.  I wake up hungry and that is always a good sign.  I will walk at 6:00 for a mile and then take my shoes to walk some more at work.  If I walked early for a mile, morning for almost a miles, afternoon for almost a mile, and evening for another mile (or a little more) I could get in 4 miles a day stretched out thru the day and it would definitely add up by the end of the week and could make a large impact on my over all health.  It would also give my body a break from walking a full 4 miles at a time.  I can work up to that but right now I could do it thru the day.

I have stuff to make my morning shakes, have healthy lunch stuff, need some fresh veggies like cukes, zucchini and will get some of those locally instead of at the grocery store. 

Here is Monday and it will be a good day no matter what.

Eye Opening

So, I was at work yesterday and went on the St. Joseph County Human Services Commission website just to see what was new and went into the events section.  It showed the Legislative forum from April 2011 and the photo has the backside of the audience and the front of the legislative members in attendance.  I remember being there and have to say when I first looked at the photo I could not figure who the large white haired person was at the front.  I could not even tell if it was a lady or a guy and then as I enlarged the photo I realized the damn personw as me!  OMG!  I did not realize how very white/gray my hair was and how large I look from the back (okay I probably look that large from the front too).  So you would think that would motivate me into going to workout right after work - right?  Wrong!   I went home and began to eat while I sat in my chair - a lazyboy no less.

I can honestly say I look in the mirror and do not see the same thing the camera sees but cameras don't lie.  I really need to evaluate my life and make a decision and get off this roller coaster ride.  I yoyo all the time - heavy, slim, heavy, slim, heavy, slim.  I do admit whenever I have been slim it has been because I cut way back on calories and exercise regularly.  I also have followed a carbless type of diet.  I am struggling now because I do not want to eat that way - I don't want meat, cheese, fats as my main source of calories.  I want healthy fats, lean protein only (mostly fish/seafood) and lots of veggies and a good balance of fruit. 

I did use the chocolate shakeology Cat gave me and I blended it with frozen strawberries, a banana and almond milk.  It was delicious and may motivate me to order some shakeology and begin to use it daily as a meal replacement.  I also know that exercise always motivates me to eat better and I like to do a variety of workouts - yoga, zumba, machines, weights, CV equipment, walking, etc. 

I will begin to take one day at a time, accomplish small goals, and see if I can get on track with the 1-2 pounds a week with exercise of some kind every day.  Sounds simple.  I should print out that photo of the fat white haired old lady sitting at that meeting for my motivation.  I can't believe I am saying this but I never felt more like my mother than I did looking at that picture for the first time.  Shit!

Doctors, Doctors Everywhere

For some reason all my doctors appointments seem to fall in a small block of time.  Yesterday I had an appointment with my primary care doctor who is very aggressive with preventive health and keeping me as healthy as possible.  So, in the most polite way she informed me my blood pressure was up and also my weight and she sees that pattern so she would like to do some full blood work involving a cardio risk panel, and for me to taken advantage of the "life style" coach that will be available at no cost (or whatever my insurance will pay) and begin making some more long term life changes.  She wants 1 to 2 pounds weight loss a week and wants to see me in two weeks or so to recheck my blood pressure and weight, and review the blood test results for further explanation.  So, now I am sitting here thinking it is no longer about what I want to weigh or how I want to look but what I need to do right now and every day to get as healthy as I can.  I appreciate that she is not wanting to just let it go and see what I can do with it.  I also know the extra weight is a huge risk factor for cancer reoccurrence. 

Next week I have out patient surgery to tweak my reconstruction and again I am hoping my recovery will be quick as I am not planning on being out of work for a week - just several days.  I have my soft token in my laptop at work and can do all my work now from home on the wifi.  I will try it out over the weekend to make sure it works, but that means I can not only check my e-mail from the office which I have been able to do but actually get into all the programs as I will have access to the state programs just like the mobile workforce staff.  I have all programs on my computer and can monitor child welfare, adult services and the AP staff and their stats, data reports, etc. access the DHS-Net which is the intranet program.  So, even if I am not feeling up to par or can only work at the office part of a day after surgery, I can work from home and do all my necessary tasks.  I love the technology, and if I can have this type of work environment, I might work until I am 70.  :)  Just joking,

Well, as I continue on about my doctors appointments, on August 16th I have my annual checkup with Dr. Wolfe and this is important because I take tamoxifen I have an increased chance of cervical cancer so annual paps will monitor that.  Also, I have an appointment on August 31st with Dr. Zon which will be my first 6 month appointment.  

It will definitely be a busy month and I will look forward to Labor Day weekend not only for a three day break from work but the first ND game and the beginning of Fall.  Life is good!

Five Months

Since it is July 28th and my surgery was February 28th five months have now passed.  Um, I am still working on patience and have decided maybe February 28th, 2013 I will be able to say what a good decision this was but right now - I have good days and bad days.  I do think after surgery on August 9th I will be more happy having some reduction so there is a little more balance.  I should also be able to purchase more new bras in a small size to fit both girls.   The doctor said the only real discomfort will come from my groin where he takes a skin graft to reconstruct the nipple - ouch!   I am afraid to even google this so I will not.  I am such a glutten for punishment sometimes.    I spent two days in Lansing at a conference and I can say by the end of day two of sitting all day - my abs were so tight and hurting I just wanted to lay down on the floor and stretch.  That was the very first thing I did when I got home!

I have been exercising more lately and I am actually thinking about doing Zumba this morning in Niles or going to Yoga at the COA.  Decisions, decisions.   I am looking forward to the change of seasons, cooler weather (I have never ran the A/C in the bedroom so much) and sleeping snuggled up instead of exposed.   I am looking forward to next year coming off tamoxifen and going onto the next inhibitor with hopes my evening hot flashes go away again. 

Oh, I did go get my blood work done this week at Lakeland Medical Park - it was not as long as the last time  went.  This is also where my outpatient surgery will be - nice new facility and happy it is not at the hospital which is just a little more serious care.

Off to enjoy the day.

The Next Step

The week got away from me and then we went to Chicago for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary.  Back to the routine today and headed to work in Cass.  I did go to the doctor on Wednesday and he continues to tell me everything looks good and that my abs feeling tight is normal.  I truly do not believe he is listening because he keeps referring to a little lypo would help if I want - that is not what I am talking about.  But at this point I am ready to take the next step, get the "tweaking" done and that really have most of this behind me.  On Thursday, August 9th I will have a short outpatient surgery to do a reduction and try to even both sides up and he said recovery is about a week.  If I have surgery on Thursday and then take the weekend to recoup I think I can get back to work on Monday or Tuesday and then just stay close to my desk.  I do not plan to take another week off from work unless something comes up.  I will continue to work out, do yoga, and try to reduce my food and actually lose about 20 pounds which would help a lot.

After watching the news since Friday morning and seeing the loss of life happen at something so simple as going to the show, I know that every morning I wake up it is a gift and no one should take it for granted or believe they are entitled to anything other than the moment.  I want to always embrace the moment, good or bad, and then journey on as long as I can. 

I am headed to Lansing on Thursday and Friday for a mandatory meeting so it will be a quick week.  Today I am going to attend the funeral of the parent of a staff member, tomorrow is a board meeting, finger prints, executive committee meeting, then meeting Brenda for dinner in Buchanan.  Wednesday I will need to go to the medical park and do some blood work for surgery.  It will be here before we know it.  

I am already wondering what my next obstacle will be?   I have several doctor's appointments in August, Dr. Patel, Dr. Wolfe and Dr. Zon.  Actually I seem to have a lot of appointments.  I won't know if I am coming or going but somedays I don't know anyway. 

Just Do It!

I am using the Nike slogan because it fits.  I started working out at 911 Center on Sunday.  I did the machines and some cardio and it felt great.  Monday after work I went back and did 40 minutes of CV on the 4 different machines doing 10 minutes on each to vary the workout and give my abs some variety.  Tuesday I went to Yoga and stretched and worked those abs again.  I have now been to Yoga 4 times in two weeks and I do believe I feel the difference and my abs are beginning to feel a little better.  I am still very tight and feel stretched when I stand up tall and try to bring my shoulders back, lift my rib case and the pull is obvious.  Also, my poor belly button is stretched but usually more from the end of the day push.    Last night in yoga we did some really good moves that stretched my abs and rib area so much I had to do it slow and careful but it was wonderful.

I have a follow up appontment with Dr. Logan today and will see what he wants to do as far as the "tweaking" out patient surgery to finish the reconstruction.  This should include reduction and tattooing, etc.   I hope my recovery time is limited and if I have a soft token I can be working even while off and will not request so much FMLA. 

I have been trying hard to eat better, less junk food, and more fruits and veggies and work out.  Since I have started doing all this I have gained several pounds.  Really?   WTF is that all about?  I am eating fresh cucumbers, zucchini, corn, and blueberries, cherries, canteloupe.  Maybe I am eating too many calories even though they are good calories.  I will not over react, slow down a little on the food, eat more fresh veggies (not starchy) and less fruit which can really add up the calories and see if this will help. 

We are going to Chicago on Friday to celebrate our anniversary and I am looking forward to just seeing the sites.  Walking around will burn some calories and I do not plan to over indulge but enjoy.  We are going to capital grille for dinner Saturday and I already have looked at the menu.  Yummy stuff.  I also am trying hard to limit the amount of meat and poultry I eat and when I do have animal protein it is seafood.

Well, I will report back tomorrow on what the doctor says and will continue to do my yoga and hope to help the entire healing process.

What - Another Post So Soon?

Be still my beating heart - I am writing again in the blog the second time this week.  I am not sure why except it is 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday and it is darn quiet in the house.  I have not turned on the television nor opened my iPad. 

I keep thinking about next week's doctor's appointment and hope he looks at everything and has a plan.  I am really ready to have a little more symmetry so I can at least buy a bra that fits both sides.  Of course, at this stage of the game, smaller is better.  My cup runneth over a little on the rebuild side and I am always rearranging things to fit certain bras. 

I think I have just given up that my abs are going to feel any different.  The best part of the day still continues to be when I get home from work and stretch out in the lazy-boy and just let my abs release themselves - aaaaaahhhhhh.   I have been doing yoga two times a week and I know if I increased that to doing some poses every day it would continue to help - I think.  The only relief I really get is when I gently massage that abs area which runs right down the middle from my sternum to my pubic bone and then I can actually feel it release the cramping tightness.  That does not mean it is not still really tight - it just relaxes and no longer feels pulling.

I have decided to sign up to the Student Activity Center at SMC and begin to work out on a more regular basis, lose some weight and being building muscle back in my arms and legs.  I am amazed how little muscle I have now when I used to be pretty bulky - although I was never skinny so you could see the muscle but it was there and I could use it and feel it.  The older I get, the more I notice when the muscle is needed for just daily tasks and/or extra stuff like hauling mulch.

The exercise will also help with stress which is just part of life, but lately seems to me on the up swing again. 

Well, off to see what else is going on this morning.  Be good, take care of yourself.

Live, laugh, love!

19 Weeks After

It has been awhile since I posted in my blog and I cannot believe it is 19 weeks after surgery already.  This is almost 5 months and I have to say I thought I would be much more like normal by now but I will continue to just heal I hope.  Some days are much better than others and I have tried to take on some activity I did prior to surgery.  I have started doing yoga and added a second day with the intent to do some yoga every day.  I return to the doctor next week and will probably try to set up my tweaking outpatient to reduce the size and add some cosmetic stuff. 

I have come to believe this may be how it will be always and to find a way to live with it.  It is still very difficult to describe the sensation.  It is like a constant cramping of my abs and sometimes it just plan hurts.  If I lie flat and massage my abs I can get the tightness to subside and actually can get it to where I don't feel any difference until I move just a little and then it retightens.  I am hoping more yoga will help continue to stretch and stengthen that area.  I have not yet been active doing much else.  Walking for a short while is all I can do because of the pressure and tightness.  I am planning to sign up for the SAC at SMCA and see if I can do weights, etc. which I think I can.  I have gone into the 911 Center and worked out a little but I cannot find any of my keys to 911 - they must be in a pocket somewhere - or maybe they are in the locker I use - nothing is impossible now days.

I continue to keep my hair short and it seems like the color is getting more and more gray.  I don't plan to do anything with it right now - I am not pretending to be younger than I am - I just don't want to look or feel older than I am.  We have a trip planned to Arizona in September and I want so much to do some hiking Camel Back and some other trails but I need to be working up to that task.  Also, I want to do a hot air balloon ride and a tour at Sedona.  I love the AZ area and would like to spend a few months there in the winters.  Maybe further South but still in AZ.

It is Thursday and I am working from home this morning while the new Pella sliding door is installed. Then off to Cass to attend Margaret Shultz's open house between 3 and 5.  I will probably run into the office first thing to discuss my late night phone call from the Judge. 

Hope to write again a little sooner.   At least after I see Dr. Logan next week.  I do have to say my ab scar is looking pretty good - I put on Palmer's Vitamin E butter on it every night and my stomach is smooth although not flat if that makes any sense. 

Week 13 and Counting

I meant to write this yesterday which would have been the actual 13th week but one day late is not too bad.  I can't say I am better this week than last week because progress is slow and I have resigned myself to the fact this may be as good as it gets.  I have constant tightness in my ab between my incision and my pubic bone and first thing in the morning it just feels like a very tight tummy but by day's end it is a little crampy and I am uncomfortable.  I have started just doing whatever I want with caution.  I am lifting a little more weight just being careful to use my overall muscles, I stretch when I can, and I try not to lie around as much which doesn't help except to make me fat. 

The wedding is this weekend so my focus is on that and not myself.  I just hope I can still fit into my dress.  I do have to say my girls have healed nicely and although the right side is still a cup size larger, I can see the possibility after the next surgery when he does some tweaking.  It is nice to have cleavage that is natural and I am not afraid to wear a lower top.  My bellybutton is still a little stretched and sore looking - I don't know because I still have no feeling in that part of my stomach.  There is a small band right in the center that is still numb and I would guess part of that will always be numb just because of the trauma is was under during surgery.  The scar continues to heal nicely and I massage in Palmer's Cocoa Butter with Vitamin E to keep it soft and reduce the irritation which I get from waistbands.  Now, if I could drop some weight - I know - just workout with Shaun every morning.......

I have a short week with the holiday on Monday and off on Friday.  I have meetings today starting at 9:00 a.m. and ending the day with a 5:30 pedicure so it is a full and busy day.  It makes it much easier to work with a schedule so full I don't have time to think or worry. 

I still see every day as a gift.  Yesterday was Marva's funeral.  Marva and I were married to brothers, Jesse and Pete and she was one of the funniest persons I know.  We were doing chemo at the same time and talking on FB.  She had lung cancer but did smoke her entire life.  She went into remission last fall but it came back in March and she suffered horribly and finally is now at peace.  Good bye my friend.   So many people around me are dying from cancer - but for the grace of god go I..........

Love, Laugh, Live!!!!!

12 Weeks Later, finally

It is interesting how relative things are.  I have been sick since last week with a sore throat, coughing, headache, and the coughing has really irritated my abs making them soooo sore.   All I wanted was to feel better so the only thing I had to deal with was my continued healing abs.  This morning I feel much better, less of a sore throat, less coughing, and no headache and my abs are tight but so much less a factor than before. 

It has now been 12 weeks or what is more appropriate, 3 months since surgery and I do feel a lot more improvement.  I am now optomistic that in 3 more months the pressure and tightness will be less and less an issue.  The tightness continues to play a part in my poor belly button not really healing - it is always a little pulled apart but since there is no feeling there (and may never be) it does not hurt but red and looks like it would be sore if I could feel it. 

I have gained back about 7 pounds and I am upset with myself.  I know I eat not because I am hungry but because I think I will eat something that will make me feel better.  Doesn't it make sense that if I have some chips or ice cream that will make my abs feel better?   So, yesterday I had to officially weigh when I went to the clinic in Cass and I was up 10 pounds (with all my clothes on) and I decided it was time to put action into place.  I know the chance of reoccurrence of breast cancer is higher if one is overweight, and does not take steps to stay active and eat healthy.  Every bit of junk, highly processed food I take increases my chance of revisiting all that I have been through in the last two years.  With that in mind, my eating last night changed drastically.  Instead of thinking those Lays chips will make me feel better, I saw them as a source of hurting me.  I ate some dried fruit (not the best but better than candy) and some venison. 

I have my whey powder on the counter to make my protein shakes in the morning to start my day with lots of fiber, some fruit, and some mornings to add some green (not this morning).  I will get some Shakeology when my other powder runs out.  I will go to Yoder's today and get some fresh salad fixing for lunch, and there is where I get my grass-fed beef (no hormones, etc.), and make the decision to feed my body healthy stuff.  Next will be more structured exercise.  I don't know I can do body pump but may try one class to see.  I know I can walk and maybe I can do some videos with modifications.  I won't know until I try. 

I am anxious to get back a little of me from a few years ago - that me who hiked the Grand Canyon three times and walked 60 miles in 3 days in the city of Chicago.   I am blessed and every day is a gift and I want to make the very most of it I can.  

And it is 11 Weeks Later

So here we are another week past and I am becoming more and more active actually spending some time in the yard working and weeding.  I am trying to be careful not to lift much weight so I don't break anything, but still able to function.  I have gotten used to certain things - such as the out of balance girls - it is like one needs to go on a diet and the other one had a facelift and looks much younger.  The remaining issue really is the continued tightness in my abs which is still very hard to describe and early in the morning less of an issue but by the end of the day when I am ready for bed I struggle just to get out of the chair.  I assume it will continue to heal more but honestly, I have to resign myself to the fact this may be as good as it gets.  If that is the case, this will never have been the best decision but one I made and will live with the best I can.

In my head I am ready to add working out to my schedule - easy workouts -  not anything crazy or insane like someone I know.  :)   I have not lifted weights in so long my muscles are melting and all that is left is a really fat body although I weigh less than I have for a few years - I am fatter than ever before.  I would also love to try and ride my bike and when Sue opens her pool I am going to swim because stretching in the water is heavenly and I am still afraid of the hot water in the spa and don't want to "burn" my scars.  Speaking of my scars - I still use the scarguard in the morning on them - but at night I have been rubbing Palmer's cocoa butter with Vitamin E on my long scar - it softens it up very nice and the massage action feels like it is helping the healing process - probably all in my head but whatever. 

Time to start the day.

10 Weeks and Counting

I actually had to count the weeks because I could not remember.  This is my third week back to work and it has been slow going but I am beginning to make progress.  I am always ready to be done at the office by about 4:00 but I have actually been more functional around the house after work.  I find that whether I lay done right after work or stay busy I feel about the same. 

It is very difficult to explain the feeling.  I have none in the middle of my abs and about two inches on both sides of my new "belly button".  It is numb from the incision to my rib cage and then surrounding the area it is tingling, sometimes stabbing like there is a plastic piece inside me, and then the tight, tight, tight, sensation.  I hope things continue to improve - when my stomach becomes "hard" it is very uncomfortable and feels like it is stretching my incision, my belly button, and my insides.  I am very careful not to lift or push to heavy because I do not want a hernia.  

I am seriously thinking about working out at 911 or joining SMC student activity center and begin slowly but adding some weight lifting.  My arms and legs have lost so much muscle tone........I also do not want to start gaining any weight and put any more stress on my body and losing weight and being more fit is all helpful in staying healthy.  I have made a point to be more active around the house and have been out in the flower beds working. 

I am still not at that point where I would say this has been a good decision but I do enjoy wearing clothes that show just a little cleavage and see something other than a hollow chest.  I also think after getting the tweaking done I will be more happy with the results as things even up and are balanced.  I don't know how much healing my abs will continue to do and I do think I am somehow just becoming less aware of the tightness and just accepting of the feelings.  But, I have to remember, months and not weeks, so it has only been 2-1/2 months.  Happy Tuesday everyone!

What is Normal?

I find my sense of normal changes on a regular basis.  I think I will never be the way I was two years ago and that is not good or bad - it just is.  I came home from work last night feeling exhausted and my abs were cramping and so flippin' tight.  But I cleaned up the house just because I could not stand it any longer.  I vacuumed, dusted, put stuff away, and found I felt so much better looking around.  This morning I am up doing laundry and looking at a few things I want to do including a little walk on the treadmill and some easy weights.  My abs are really tight but not painful - just really weird feeling - and I was thinking this may be my new normal. 

I continue to be very careful about lifting things because I do not want a hernia but I want to find that balance of what I can do safely and what I need others to do.  I find it easier to ask for help and defer to a younger and stronger assist to save my body. 

I do have to admit I am a bit of a sissy today - I opted out of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure which is a run/walk and I did it last year but the weather was not inviting today and I am not interested in walking in the rain and I don't know I can even walk 3 miles timely.  I also am opting out of going and watching Caiden play soccer this morning.  Sitting in the rain is a parent obligation and not a grandparent thing - I have spent many hours under the umbrella supporting my child and enjoyed every second but now it is Carlos' turn.  Go Caiden!!

I think I have laundry to fold and dry and I want another cup of coffee so I will end my blog for today.  What is on your schedule today?  I did peak at the weather forecast and it looks like a great warm up this week.  I may sneak a nap in the sun because I am losing my tan from Florida and my dress for the wedding will look much better on me if I have some tan.  :)

Eight Weeks Plus

Tuesday, April 24th was 8 weeks post op and I am still very surprised by how much discomfort I am in two months later.  Darn, I keep forgetting this is going to take months and not weeks.  Given that thought, it has only been 2 months since surgery and I think things are progressing well.  :)

I really think things are improving but the tightness and cramping and pickly pain is there all the time unless I am totally stretched out and massaging my abs and get them to release.  So first thing in the morning I am moving okay, by noon I slow down alot and by 3:00 p.m. I can't wait for 4:00 so I can go home and get comfy and stretch out.  Tuesday evening Joe, Broghan, and I went to the COA track and did one lap which was .7 miles and I did better than I thought and I actually think it helped Wednesday morning when I got up.  My hip flexors are so tight from lack of walking that they actually pull all the way across my midsection right up to my rib cage. 

I am beginning to encounter another problem.  I keep thinking if I eat something good it will make be feel better but it does not and then I am full and feel worse.  I have to start tracking my food because I know while I have a really, really, flat tummy right now, the skin will stretch if I begin to put on weight and then all of this will be for naught.  So, I ordered a scale from Amazon to weigh my food, will begin to track and just do portion control, moderation, healthy as much as possible.  If I were physically capable I would get back to my working out but that will need to come more slow.

Overall, I am blessed each and every day which I know is a gift.  A staff person from the Probate Court in Centreville was doing chemo the same time I was in 2010 and actually had her last treatment on Valentine's Day 2011 so finished up 6 weeks after I did.  We shared hair stories and compared our regrowth with laughter and some other stories that were not good for mixed company.  I learned yesterday her cancer has returned.  I do not know the details, but I do know no matter how far along in your survival you are, this is always somewhere in your mind.  All I can do is live the best life I can everyday and take what is thrown my way with grace, dignity, and a will for survival.   Here is to Bonnie, my pink sister!!

Six Weeks Later

So, yesterday it was six weeks post op and I would have expected to be feeling pretty much back to normal but I continue to have a very, very hard abdomen, a sore chest, and sharp pain here and there like plastic sticking me.  I have some hard spots in my scar but overall I am feeling better this week.  I have learned to identify the little things.  I fear I may never be the same again, but if not then I will be better than before - whatever that will be.

I have very much enjoyed our time in Florida and glad we made the second trip down here.  I wished we would have been able to stay the entire time - I would have really learned to be retired then - but am happy we have had the last week and then a few more days.  We will head home early, early Saturday morning and drive as long as we can to reduce Sunday's drive.  We are very close to I-75 so it will be a quick trip to the freeway and then set the cruise and head North.  Hopefully, the snow will be gone.

I think today I may go to Saks Fifth Avenue and dress hunt a little today.  We have played at the pool and yesterday went to the beach so today  may be something a little different.  Of course, I will still get in my pool time.  Interesting, we have been to the pool at all different times - early morning no one is there, mid-day there are papas and mimis with their granchildren and about 4:00 p.m. all the locals come to the pool with their noodles and then get in a circle in the pool floating and talking.  All they are missing is a glass of wine in their hands.  Never saw so much white hair in one spot before but they all are very pleasant and again makes me look forward to a little retirement in a few years.

I am off to make some coffee and read some e-mail to see you later.  Keep me in your thoughts and I continue to pray for a smooth recovery (I gave up a quick one a month again). 

Here We Go Again

So, I have an early doctor's appointment (7:45 a.m.) and then the plan is to head south right after and try to make it between Nashville and Chattanooga TN before we stop for the night, and then make it to Sebring by Thursday late afternoon or evening.  After several days with Mike and Pat we will travel to the condo in Fort Myers and get in about a week of R&R I hope.  I have not looked at the forecast afraid to see something like rain and cold temperatures.  I have my sun block, and seveal bathing suits so I am ready to get a little sun (not too much) and continue to heal. 

I have been pretty active the last few days around the house, even weeded a few little spots on the front steps, washed and changed bedding, dusted, etc. and last night my abs were on fire.  This morning I feel better and I will take my pain medication while we travel to keep the discomfort at bay.  No reason to be in pain if not necessary.

We are packing a little lighter this time - we aren't going to be gone as long and I just simply things usually.  I am taking a lot less food that we never touched and I ended up throwing out.  I thought the car would be packed when I got up but it is not so I assume Joe is going to run around and scramble this morning.  If I could life more than 5# I would just do it myself - I hate being dependent upon someone else but I can't do anything at this point to hurt myself......

So, wish us luck on another safe trip South, I will enjoy the trip as part of the journey, and I have downloaded a couple new books to listen to on the way. 

Thanks to Cat and Sharon again for watching the animals and checking the house - not sure what I would do without them!!

April 3, 2012

Five weeks ago today I had my TRAM Flap surgery with great expectations that I would be up and around and ready to vacation in Florida for a month and then return to Michigan, work, and regular activity.  NOT.   But finally, while I am still very sore, pangs of pain shot thru various spots, my incision still feels like it is stretching, and one breast a size bigger than the other, I do feel better.  Instead of feeling better every day, I find I am better comparing weeks.  I feel better this week than last week!  :)  I also find the more Blogs I read the more depressed I get when I read all about all the problems individuals have.  I have been sticking with medical sites and found one that is very much right on.  It indicates recovery time is very long and the procedure is very painful.  It gives lots of good information about pain control, activity levels, etc. and wished I would have found it prior to my surgery.  It also indicates 8 to 12 weeks of initial recovery and upwards of 6 months to get back to any similar level of feeling prior to surgery.

I also finally contacted a person I know who had this same surgery with the same doctor and asked them about their recovery - although this was about 9 years ago.  She said she was off work for 8 weeks and then was still not functioning but about 80% and then worked a couple weeks just part time.  It took her about one year to really feel more normal but she also gained a lot of weight during that time and felt that did not help the process as it was always stretching the skin, scars, etc.  Now she looks back she would still do the procedure again just the way she did and has no regrets and thinks I am doing very well at 5 weeks.  So, while I wished the process would be quicker, I now know it will take awhile and it will probably be another summer with not much getting done - oh well.  :)   I always need an excuse to putts around and lie in a lawn chair under the trees.

I am hoping in a few more weeks, my progress continues so I can go dress shopping - I would really like to find something to wear for the wedding - I think I will also get some Spanx - seems like many use this to help with comfort as well.  It sure is hard work being a woman! 

I actually was pretty busy yesterday.  I washed bedding and remade the bed, did other laundry, brought down the rolling duffle to repack so we can leave for Florida Wednesday, I dusted and went outside with Broghan several times.  I even got the South Bend paper and the mail yestereday which is a first for both. 

My weight is still down and I actually would like to continue to drop some more but by increasing my activity level and not reducing my intake.  I am really not eating much right now - just not enough room in my stomach...........time to make a list of "to do's" for the day - see you all later.

Five Weeks Later

Tomorrow will be five weeks post op and I can honestly say I would never have guessed I would still be this uncomfortable and that the recovery process has taken so long - yet everything I read says at least 8 weeks and up to one year to get back to some sense of normal.   I can say in the last few days the tightness in my abs is different and the feeling in my stomach is returning slowly and my skin has sensitivity.  At night when I sleep I am most comfortable lying on my back and stretching my ab although it is tight like I have a corset on.  I still look really odd but the doctor thinks I look great - so much for the "eye of the beholder".  I have seen him a lot more than I expected but happy that his office gets me in anytime I need some attention and for that I am thanksful.  I even called him on a Saturday when we were in Florida to ask direction about fluid in my abs.  That is the kind of doctor I like and trust.

So, Wednesday I see Dr. Logan again to check my ab for any additional fluid.  He has aspirated my abs three times so far with the first time getting 60 cc's of fluid and the second and third times getting nothing.  I think the fluid portion is just about done and now is just is a continuing process of healing. 

The incisions all continue to stay closed and continue to heal and I keep the Scarguard painted on them to improve their look and eventually will use the Vitamin E lotion I have. Also, my belly button finally is almost all healed up and much smaller closing up more than I originally thought.  I would never have guessed that would take 5 weeks to heal either. 

So, the plan right now is to take off back to Florida right after seeing the doctor on Wednesday (April 4th).  My appointment is 7:45 a.m. (another thing I like about my doctor - he is an early morning person) and I expect clearance to travel and we will try to get between Nashville and Knoxville by day's end and then the following day get to Mike and Pat's for a few days before traveling to Fort Myer and enjoying nothing but lying by the pool or going to the beach.  I am so happy I do not return to work until April 17th.  I would never have been able to return after 4 weeks like some people have - I guess I am getting old or just getting to be a big sissy. Either way, I am taking my time.

I have been reading all the e-mail from the office and to tell the truth it is overwhelming all that is going on at work.  I have not even tried to keep up with it all - I did a couple days answer some issues, etc. and just find I can't think about it part time.  Staff is wonderful, stepping up to help and the help from Berrien County is wonderful and I will show her my appreciation upon my return.

I can say I am missing the office and again appreciate the simple things in life.  I am looking forward to working out, walking, riding bike, and lifting (light) weights to help bring back my fitness level.  I have lost about 10 pounds through this process and part of that is because I cannot eat much food and not hungry.  The pressure in my abs keeps my stomach feeling full so I force myself to eat and drink water to stay hydrated.  I am still shaky on my feet and that is weird too. 

Well, I guess I will end this entry and maybe revisit after seeing the doctor on Wednesday to update.  Think positive and use the power of prayer and by the way GO IRISH - did they get it done or what? 

Happy Monday everyone!

Monday Again

Wow, it is Monday again and I think the days are going by quickly.  I have started packing for Florida and to be honest, don't know if I can wear any of the items I have packed yet since they are pants with waist bands, zippers, and buckles.  I will think positive and hope that at least by the last week I can wear regular clothes,  Yes, I will take all my comfy clothes and I need a couple pair of capri pants that are loose elastic waist. 

We went to the ND game on Sunday and stayed up in the Club the entire game and watched the game, ate, and had a good time.  I walked back to the car (slowly) and my hip flexors area already tight from lack of walking.  I was ready to be home after sitting up for 4 hours and my stomach area felt like it was on fire and very sore to the touch.  I thought I could come home and take a nap but was wrong.  I also thought I would need a pain pill but didn't need that either.  Tomorrow is the last game and we plan to go but again I just move slow. 

So, I will finish packing my stuff today and will let Joe pack his items and see how that works. 

My belly button continues to heal but not done yet and I can't figure out why it is taking so long.  I wonder if it is healing from the inside out which is what it looks like.  Since my ab is numb and I can't really feel deep inside - I can't tell what is going on anyway.  I will just have the doctor look at it tomorrow and make sure he doesn't have any concerns.  I am still not stretched out well and feeling a little hunched over.  I will practice stretching more and more. 

For the record, I am still not at the point where this has been worth it all - this may take months.  :)

Whatever!

I have figured out the best part of the day for me is early - not a surprise - but by 5 or 6 pm my abs are so damn sore, tighten and won't relax and I am itchy and sore from either moving around too much or lying around too much.  Whine, whine, whine.  We are going to try and do some errands today so I will test my ability to move around in public.  Actually, the first challenge will be to find something I can wear.  It cannot rub my belly button (which is still not healing fast enough for me) and can't rub anywhere from hip bone to hip bone.  A moo moo actually would work but I don't have any - I might get some though.  :)

Tomorrow is a ND basketball game for the women and we have tickets but we do have Club Namili tickets too so I can sit up there and watch, and stay out of the crowd.  I have done a couple things for the trip but other than packing my own stuff - I am not really worried about it.  I will let Joe pack his own stuff this time and see how he does.  My wardrobe will be pretty limited - I still think some sundresses will be needed to keep things comfy - especially while I am walking the beach.  :)

Here's to another day. 

Snarky?

I don't know if this is a real word but it describes my mood yesterday.  By the afternoon I was anxious, tired of feeling poor, and just plain in a bad mood.  So when Joe comes home and says "how are you feeling?" I just look at him and say "ok" and he can tell right away I am in a bad mood.  Instead of leaving it alone he comes over and rubs my knee and asks what is wrong.  Grrrrrr - so I just shake my head.  About 6:00 p.m. I decided I needed to go to the office and do some work on my time sheets before leaving town so I announced I was driving into the office but would not be gone long.  He than said he doesn't remember the doctor releasing me to drive.  Of course, the doctor never told me I could not drive - the concern is being on pain medication - which I rarely take.  So needless to say, I was in the office for about an hour cleaning up some time and expense reports, submitting my time sheets through April 14th and then just looking around and deciding I actually miss the office.  OMG - I guess maybe I am not ready to retire - but I will continue to practice and train for the event.

So, this morning I am up and feeling pretty good - but I usually do in the morning.  My belly button looks a little better today and I have all my scars painted with the Scarguard stuff (which stinks), and my highlite of the day as always is my shower which I will take a little later this morning.  I see the weather is another nice one so I will get outside and explore. 

I have to start a list of "to do's" before leaving town next week and so it will begin to be busy until we actually leave.  I forgot that Ashley will be here today to do her final visit  before terminating the home care nursing services.  That was very nice to have to at least make sure I was on track and no problems arising.  As with everything else, this has been such an adventure.

Ouchy

I went into the doctor's appointment feeling pretty good (mornings are better than afternoons).  While there Dr. Logan looked at all the incisions, etc and was pleased with my progress and said I was doing great.  He then directed the last drain tube to be removed, remove all remaining stitches (belly button, various points in incisions and then instructed his nurse to go ahead and remove all the steri-strips.  I think she actually missed a stitch or two that do not appear to be self absorbing so I will have the homecare nurse look at it Friday before I call to see if I should come in or can wait until next Wednesday.  So, by the time I left my appointment all my incisions were a little tender and I was feeling a little on fire.

I also looked at the drain tube after she pulled it out - just curious.  There was about 6" inside me and there were lots of little holes and several spots were filled with "stuff" so the nurse said it looked like it may have been plugged so if I feel swelling in my lower ab to call them in case fluid is accumulating.  Also, she said my body may just absorb the fluids.  Now, under normal circumstances I would know what to look for but honestly there is not much between my shoulders and pubic bone that is not rather swollen and puffy looking. 

My belly button is still pretty yucky looking and if I could get that to heal then perhaps I could pull up my loose pants off my lower hips.  I can't stand anything on my incision and since it runs from hip bone to hip bone - I am busting a serious sag. 

I also got some Scar Guard to cover the scars with twice a day which is suppose to help reduce the scarring and is only from a doctor's office.  It smells like finger nail polish and the nurse said not to brush it on any "open" areas because it will sting.  Ouch again.

Well, after the doctor was done he said "see you in 2 weeks".  Oops, we were planning to leave in 1 week for Florida.  So he agreed he would see me next Wednesday and then if all continued to look good, he would release me to travel and then see me upon my return.  This just means we will leave a little later on Wednesday than originally planned.  Of course the forecast for next Wednesday in Michigan is 80 degrees.  What the heck?  Oh well, the nice weather can't possibly be here for good and I am still looking forward to some fresh produce and the ocean. 

Two Weeks Now

I don't know if has taken forever to get here or it was quick.  Two weeks ago I was just getting prepped for surgery with little to no understanding of what was to come.  It is hard to explain how things are going because there is so much variation.  My stomach is tingly, itchy, sore and sometimes it will get hard and while not painful - just very uncomfortable - then is softens and is almost normal.  The feelings around the incisions are also coming back and again hard to explain.  The reconstructive part feels odd, itchy, hurts, heavy and not really lots of feeling every where.  Also the ab muscle is still stretching and sore around my rib cage and continues to keep me moving slow and careful. 

Ashley was here Monday and continues to report no problems and I am healing great.  She plans to close my visits on Friday as there is not much more for her to do.  My BP has been good, and she reminded me to take lots of breaks when we drive to Florida so I can keep my circulation flowing to avoid blood clots.  I told her a drink a lot of water and thus have to pee a lot so we will be stopping regularly.  :)

I hope the other drain tube comes out tomorrow and that  my belly button continues to heal - which is still looking pretty yuck - because if not we may not get out of town on the 21st until I have another appointment.  Ugh!  I won't make a problem out of something until it is a problem.  Besides, we really don't have reservations that cannot be cancelled with a refund until March 24th and that is in Kissimmee so we really have a window to play with - just will change our plans for Nashville and Savannah. 

Time to read the paper and then take a shower in a little bit.  Looks cloudy and overcase but I will get outside and enjoy some of the warm weather when I can.  Just walking around the yard helps my body.

Another New Day

Mondays are always a time of new beginnings - at least a new week.  I had a good sleep and even slept on my right side and then my left giving my backside a break.  Ashley, homecare nurse, should be back today and then Wednesday I see Dr. Logan.  My only concern continues to be my belly button healing.  I think everything else I am going thru seems to be pretty consistent when I read various blogs, etc.  Everyone has very different experiences.  I also have to remember it has only been 2 weeks tomorrow since surgery. 

The time change is always a pain.  It was later quicker last night and then this morning I layed in bed and did not get up until 7:20 the new time.  I really don't sleep much during the day so I like that I can get a good block of sleep at night.  I also cannot imagine sleeping in a lower bed as I still find myself rolling to my side and then sliding out of the bed with little effort.

I might dust some floors today.  The house is beginning to look pretty bad.  I asked Joe to bring down the light weight vacuum from the upstairs but he did not - just need to do a quick sweep of the carpet to scoop up cat hair and lady bugs.  My last tube is still draining and I hope by Wednesday it is done.  Having the other two out has been an improvement.

I do have to say I am very glad I have very short hair right now because I have no ability to really do anything with it.  Hopefully in Florida the humidity will give back some of the curl it has lost.  I have been thinking about packing and what to take.  I don't even know what will fit and not fit.  Again, it may be a suitcase full of sun dresses and very loose lightweight capris, etc. 

One Step at a Time

I had a tough day yesterday emotionally.  I keep thinking I will wake up and all the pain and problems will be gone and I will then recover quickly.  Wrong.  I feel like I replace one issue for another and I still cannot stand up straight.  The incredible tightness is constant.  The stitches are itching like crazy and the rest of my skin is dry even though I put as much lotion on a possible without getting steri-strips wet.  My belly button is still trying to heal and looks damn gross.  I have switched my shower routine to the morning just because the warm water on my skin feels good and then I can get some relief from the itchy.  With just one drain tube it is much easier to manuever around and it will be ready to be pulled in the next few days.  The other two holes are oozy and I keep them cleaned and covered trying to get them to heal. 

I am thinking about going out today just to get some fresh air, sunshine, and perhaps a quick trip to the mall to JC Penney.  Not committing to anything at this point. 

I will just continue to take one day at a time, hope to get permission to travel south on the 21st and then use the additional 3-4 weeks of healing time.......

More Progress

Two drain tubes down and one to go.  The third tube has already reduced i's output just in the last 24 hours but it will be fine - I would rather have it and not really need it than take it out too early so it will probably be in place until Wednesday unless on Monday Ashley (home care nurse) thinks it should come out and I can run over to Stonegate and have it pulled.

I do have to say the first tube pulled was in my lower left abdomen and no surprise and it was a relief.  When she pulled the one out of the right breast I actually gasped because that tube was way on the top side and pulled all the way through the tissue and out my side - OMG.  I am glad I did not know and by the time I realized how much it hurt - it was gone.  Both holes bled a little and now they are pretty dry.  My only real open area is the belly button and I am keeping that clean and neosporin on it trying to get it to heal up.  I really want clearance on Wednesday to take off for Florida on the 21st or at least get in to see the doctor 1 more time before leaving.  The stitches continue to itch but I can deal with that.  I do dream of soaking in moisture enriched warm water to soften all the dry, flaky skin. 

I slept well last night and slept on my right side.  With the tube in I have not really slept on my side.  It was nice to have another option.  I have a window of time when I feel pretty good in the morning and so I try to putts then.  This morning I have dishes washing, have some laundry going and may spend some time taking a nice shower.  I need some front zip sports bras for support so I may have Joe take me to Sears/JC Penney and see what I can find.  My wardrobe for Florida is going to be pretty minimal so I hope it is nice weather.  I am keeping it simple, simple, simple,  I may even get a few cheap sun dresses and just be able to throw on a sweater over.  I don't plan to sun bathe - but I do plan to enjoy the warmth and when in Miami just lying by the water and people watching.

Here is to a sunny and pretty day - and I need to remember to Spring ahead tonight.  Oh wait - I don't really have to worry since I have no where to be. 

Itchy, Itchey, Itchy

 Most times when you think about an itch is it not necessarily a good thing.  For me, the itchy of all my stitches is a very good thing.  Everything is healing and the desire to itchy is overwhelming!.  The steri-strips will fall off by themselves eventually and I assume over the next week they will begin to come off pretty regularly.  I shower every day just to keep the stiches clean and then dry and my skin looks like snake skin as I have not been able to slaughter on my moisturizer cream like I would like.  I have to carefully place bits of lotion so not to get the steri-strips wet because I do not want any type of infection at this point. 

I can finally say the only areas that are actually "painful" and cause me to gasp are the tube drain entries.  I have an 11:00 a.m. appointment at Stonegate and I believe the nurse will be able to remove 2 of the 3 drains which have reduced their output a great deal over the last 24 hours with one resulting in next to nothing this morning and the other just a little output.  The last drain is still giving up about 30 cc of fluid so I would rather leave it there and let it do the work now instead of worring about a pocket of puss later.  Oops, sorry for the graphics.  I have been able to stand upright a little more but am still struggling with the rib cage pressure and inability to move without some very uncomfortable pressure - not "pain" but extreme discomfort.  Hard to explain.......

Homecare nurse was here yesterday and will be back Monday.  It is nice to have some professional eyes checking out the incisions and seeing them heal well.  Honestly, I don't know how many stitches I have but I am cut from behind each hip bone across my abdomen and then each breast has about 8  inches of stitching.  As soon as possible, I will start using my Palmer's Cocoa Butter on my scars to help keep them soft and reduced as much as possible. 

Well, let's see what the day will bring.

One Week, Two Days

Last night was the first night I slept in the guest bedroom downstairs instead of the recliner chair.  I was very frustrated yesterday, feeling a little sorry for myself, and started thinking about what did I do?  I don't feel like I was making much progress, I hurt, I still have all my drains, I don't feel good, I am tired of walking like a zombie, blah, blah, blah.  I looked back over the past few years and have just always bounced back from everything sent my way.  I was back to work in 2 weeks after the mastectomy, I only missed treatment days for chemo and some days even went back in the afternoon to finish out the day.  I have no experiene at being this slow to recover and do not know how to respond.  I understand this procecure was 8 hours of surgery, but after a week you would think things would be on the heal - right?  So, I go on-line - boy was that a mistake.  All I could find were posts about all the things gone wrong with TRAM flap.  Ugh!!!!   - then I read some more information that says it will take 2-3 weeks just to feel a little normal, then 6 weeks to really be ready to return to work, maybe, and it could take up to a year to get back to where you were before surgery.  All of this is with a weakened abdomen and always being aware of what you are doing so not to get a hernia.

So, after having a pretty darn good sleep in bed (not much moving around), up at 6:00, drained my tubes, made a cup of coffe, I have already having a better morning and will try to take the pressure off of myself to be superwoman and to take care of myself.  I do believe by the 21st I will get clearance from Dr. Logan to travel south, and then it will continue to be recovery in a little warmer weather and instead of sitting in the living room, I will suffer by sitting pool side under the shade of a palm tree!

Bring on the day - I am ready.

One Week Later

Wow, it has been a week since surgery - actually it took most of the day so the one week starts about 5:00 p.m. I have not posted much and that has been because this morning is really the first time I have felt a little more human. I find myself lying still trying not to have to move because I find every bodily movement requires your core muscles and mine are all cut,sewn, moved, swollen,and just plain too sore. I do get up and walk about 3 or 4 times a day. This is to the bath room which happily causes me no pain. Then once in the afternoon I do my shower routine. I take off all the bandages on my drains and they are taped to my skin so they don't hang loose. I carefully place the drains over my shoulders to keep them up out of they way (they are very long) and then very carefully step into the shower and this feels so good. All my stitches are covered by steri-strips so getting them wet is fine. When done I carefully and slowly manuver around and out of the shower. I carefully towel dry every open area - the drain ports, the stitches of which there are about a total of 40" and my new belly button. Then I drain the tubes, measure, and recap them. I carefully dress in more loose clothes and by now waddle to the chair to redress and tend to the wounds. All of this is done in a crouched position because I cannot stand up straight because of how tight my stomach is. Back in the chair I redo the tape for my drain tubes so they don't pull on my stitches, then put gauze on them to collect any backup fluid (none since the first day in the hospital) and then put stuff on my belly button. I usually take a pain pill and go to sleep until Joe gets home from work.

I am still sleeping in the lazy boy in the living room because I can move around easily. I am not ready to try to get in and out of the bed in the guest room because it sits up so high. I think that will be just around the corner. Visiting nurse has not been here since Sunday so I expect to see her probably today. I see Dr. Logan on the 14th and hope to get a clearance by then to travel on the 21st.

I still have not reached the point where this has been worth it but today is better than yesterday and every day I a healing - this was just way more than I really imagined. Time will tell.

3 Days and Counting

So it is Friday and almost 72 hours since my 8 hour surgery. It has been more painful than I imagined and it feels like I have a cinch around my ribcage - the pressure is hard to describe. Today it is ot really hurting and is more uncomfortable than painful. The searing pain I had the first two days has lessened. It this is where the pain is and different sections are more painful than others. The incision is from hip bone to hip bone andI have not really seen it because of the bandages. I still have 3 drain tubs and I assume I will go home with them and hopefully get them out next week.

The swelling in my fingers is gone but doctor said my blood count was down which means I am anemic. Not sure what that will mean or what I need to do. I also have to had BM and am hoping I don't have to have a enema UHG.

Goingo 4:00 pm and I think Dr. Logan is in the building and will be doing some change orders. I still am on a " soft" diet but I have managed to eat okay. Once he takes the drains off suction I can get up and go potty with help to hook and unhook all these tubes.

Thenext time I post may be from home.