Just taking it one day at a time.

Went to see Dr. Logan and he changed the dressing and ripped off the steri-strips.  I am still pretty bruised and the reconstruction looks gross to me but as always, Dr. Logan was in awe how good it looked.  I must wear dark shades whenever I go to his office because I do not see the same thing he does. 

He did say things looked good, the right side did look a little larger than the left and even when the swelling was gone it still may be a little bit bigger.  Trust me, it is so much smaller than it was I think I can live with a "little" bigger.  This happens in nature so I can deal with it.  I go back to see the nurse in a week to have my incisions checked and to remove any other stitches that may make their way to the surface.  Then I see Dr. Logan in a month for that follow up. 

The incision on my leg looks a little out of wack - pulling in an area and deformed but given where it is located not many people will ever see that area.  I am feeling pretty down and not sure what is going on.  I find myself just sitting and stretching my abs and wondering where will this lead me.  I am not sure if I will get any better than I am and I am fighting emotions and some sense of depression.

Time to head out the door to work which is another blog.  All I can say is I am happy to be counting down to retirement and not looking at 20 more years in the agency.  Life is really short and trying to please people all day long with little success is wearing on me.  So, do I have you depressed yet?

Tomorrow will be a better day and as always - today could be worse - I have been there.  :)

Early Morning

It was a long day at work and I was not feeling well at all.  I was sick to my stomach for much of the day and had a dull headache, came home at noon and tried to sleep for an hour, went back to work for a conference call, and I did make it to 4:00.  But, I came home and immediately changed my clothes took off my dressing on my leg and put on my support garmet for my chest.  I have a huge solid black area from surgery and I am sore when I move around.  I wanted nothing to eat for dinner, had some tea and water and went to bed with 2 pain pills at 9:00 a.m.   I slept pretty good and woke up this morning feeling much better.

I have already done some housework, laundry, dishes, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned out the cat box, took trash out and am thinking of doing some cooking to have some left overs for the rests of the weekend.  My weight is down a few pounds but I have not been eating much.  I think I under estimated how much the surgery zapped out of me just because it did not put me down and out.  I am very curious to see what the results of the reconstruction and how much of the initial patch is left. 

I see Dr. Logan on Monday and I assume he will remove the bandage and just leave the steri- strips for the stitches to continue to dissolve.  I will also assume I will return to see him one more time in this process and then probably a follow up in a few months.  I would love to continue to lose weight and that will be my next goal.  Work out in the morning when I know I feel the best, and then I can just crash after work instead of feeling guilty for not going to work out.

My abs are still tight and weird and I am just accepting that as part of the rest of my life.  I did make an appointment for a swedish message and facial and will talk with Erin about doing some holistic massage on my abs/scar to see if she can help give me some relief. 

If the bra fits - wear it.

I took a shower this morning and it felt wonderful.  I did not soak under the spray as I did not want my bandages to get soaking wet but did wash my hair and gave my body a good rinse off.  Then I picked out some comfy clothes that are okay for work, put a dressing on my leg incision so I could wear panties without it rubbing and breaking stitches and put on a bra that sI eems to fit much better.

I still think the right side is larger but some of that is swelling from surgery and I think over time it will continue to reduce a little to a close matching pair.  I am going to ask the doctor about losing weight.  I normally lose weight starting from my waist up and that reduces my bra size.  I wonder if the reconstructed side (which is just my body fat) will lose volume as well.  I have read both ways and will be interested to hear what he thinks.

I am opening the office in Cass today and will try to be there all day.  If not, I will come home and work mobile so I am available.  I have not done much more than lay around for the last two days so I hope my stamina will help me make it through the day.

That's What I'm Talking About

I am on day two after my surgery and I think I am feeling better.  My groin incision does not hurt except when the dressing rubs against it and the tape is also an issue.  My right reconstruction was very sore and is still some sore but improving.  I think it still looks bigger that the left side but I do realize it is swollen and will reduce a little more.  I have not taken off any of those dressings and I won't until I go Monday and let Dr. Logan do it.  I have a fear that if I were to sneak a peak my new nipple would rip off - so I am good just waiting.

I do plan to go to work tomorrow as all I will need to do is still in my office.  If I get too tired or uncomfortable I will just pack up my computer and work from home.  Being mobile is a good thing.  Payroll is due today so I can go into the network on my other computer and approve my direct staff timesheets and do whatever else I need. 

The weekend will be just two more days of taking it easy and I should be fit as a fiddle (okay, maybe an old fiddle) and looking forward to the holidays coming. 

Another Day After

I am sitting in the living room at home taking off a few days from work.  I have to admit I was very
hesitant about this last surgery thinking I should cut my losses and run.  Now that it is over, I am feeling good.  I am moving slow and a little weak but I have not had any food since Monday night about 7:00 in prep for surgery.  Last night had some chicken broth and today I have been drinking water and I did splurge and have a cup of cinnamon coffee.  I do have a headache but that is attributable to the lack of coffee over the last few days.

So, I am all bandaged up and have to say I have the feeling of pain in my right breast which until yesterday basically had no feeling.  Dr. Logan did some lipsuction and remove some of the "heavy" and he extended up toward my underarm and that portion is very black and blue and sore.  I have to keep the dressings on for several days and just do sponge baths.  That first shower will feel wonderful. 

So far, just looking at myself in the mirror I feel so much better about the size and it looks very close in size.  This means I will be able to go do some more shopping for new bras!!  I also have a long incision in the right groan.  It is right in the fold where my leg connects to my torso and the slice is almost to my private part.  Given that, the bandage they have on it is rather uncomfortable.  Dr. Logan did tell me at an earlier appointment that is where he gets the skin to do the nipple reconstruction  and I really wanted no more knowledge about that and actually it is okay.  We will see how it all plays out.  At least I do not have any drains to mess with.

Since June 2010, I have had 5 surgeries including this on and I have to admit I am very, very tired of going under the knife and am so ready to let all the parts heal and put all of this behind me.   Then I can just keep seeing Dr. Z, move it to annual examinations and hit my 5 year mark.  By that time I will only have one more year to work and can plan for our retirement.    Wow, I just aged myself right to the age 60 - not that there is anything wrong with being 60?

I am looking forward to a down weekend, just watching some football, continue to take it easier and hope my incisions are all healing. 

Things Can Change Fast

I was at home yesterday for lunch when the phone rang.  It was a call from Dr. Logan asking if it was possible for me to change my schedule for surgery to Tuesday afternoon instead of Thursday?  I thought quickly and said I could do it in the afternoon but not in the morning so with about 24 hours notice I will be having my surgery to finish up the tweaking.  I have mixed feelings about moving forward only because I now realize not everything turns out okay.  I would really like to have the reduction and try to makes things a little more normal yet there is the unknown and maybe things will be worse.  So, I will cross my fingers, say a little prayer, and move forward with positive thoughts that this will be a good thing and will finish up this part of my journey.

I will run to Centreville, do my board meeting at 9:30 a.m. leave there at 10:00 to run home and leave the house by 11:00 to get to the health park by 11:45 and get checked in.  I have not had anything to eat or drink since yesterday at about 9:15 so I am already thirsty.  I have to keep remembering I cannot swallow anything because habit will take me to coffee or water.   I will be happy to have this day over and then spend several days home trying to get better.

Where Have I Been?

I had no idea it has been over a month since I have posted.  My outpatient surgery is next week (actually one week from tomorrow) and I hope to just stay home for several days (over the weekend) and be ready for work on the 29th.  I am putting on weight and feeling a little out of control and wanting to make a change in that regard.  I do find myself coming home after work and stretching out in the chair and there I stay for the evening.  If I stay busy right after work, run an errand or putts around the house I do better, but once I go down I am down for the count. 

I do look forward to some balance and hope to wear more things in my closet.  Right now some things really emphasis the difference in size (or at least in my mind) so I do not wear stuff.  I also tend to wear things bigger and baggy which does not help with the look in the mirror.  So, I am back to trying to eat proper, quick snacking, follow a plan, and exercise.  One of these days I will put all of these things into play.  :)

I am having some tingling in my left hand, two fingers actually - my little finger and my ring finger.  It feels like they are just beginning to fall sleep but I cannot rub the circulation back into them.  I don't know if this is from the chemo (neuropathy I had) or something else.  I see Dr. Patel again in November and I will talk with her about it then.  I have been taking my medication faithfully, and my added vitamin/supplements which are actually hard to take very day just because of the size of the flipping pills.   I gag some days if I don't get enough water to swallow.  I am hoping these will make a difference.  However, if I would lose the 15 pounds she wanted me to lose and exercise every day those two items could make the most difference.  So, what will it be?  

So, has it been obvious that I have not mentioned my abs?  Why you wonder? I seem to be so centered on that subject I am trying to move on and take that out of the equation.  I still have tightness and discomfort.  The last few days it seems like less but I don't really know that.  I did go to physical therapy for two sessions, missed my last session, and Melissa sent me some additional exercises.  Again, I think when I was faithfully doing my stretches and strengthening exercises I was doing better. 

There are lots of things I need to re-evaluate and try to determine why I am not taking better care of myself.  My extra weight is a big risk factor for reoccurrence of cancer.  My other over all health is effected by the weight, my blood pressure, and just strength.  I want to make a re-committment to a better more healthy life style.  I am so proud of Cathy and her new found passion for exercise and I want to get back that feeling.  I love Zumba, I love Yoga, I love to lift weights and work out yet, I can't get myself up out of this chair. 

Enough whining - I hope to use next week's surgery as the catalyst for moving forward finally.  The procedure should be the last with Dr. Logan, a few follow ups, and then put that part of my recovery behind me and begin the next chapter.  I go back to Dr. Z in February which will be over my 2 year anniversary (12/30/12) and not sure if I switch to one year or stay at 6 months.  I also think at 2-1/2 years I come off tamoxifen and go on another inhibitor which I hope will reduce or take away the hot flashes and other side effects that cause me grief. 

Yet, when all is said and done, I am blessed to have each new day no matter what the challenge it brings because it is not my time to leave.  I embrace all that is there for me to experience and go to sleep every night looking forward to waking up even if it is 4:00 a.m.    :)